Attractions and repulsions, will I entertain them?

The other day, as we were taking darshan, someone asked about Advaita Acharya’s stance, is he dancing? I had never thought of it before. Next time I was downstairs in the temple room it became so obvious to me that I had to share it with everyone I saw. Sri Advaita Acharya prayed for the coming of the Lord and now as He shows us Nimai Nitai, he is making the gesture: “Here they are, avail yourself of their causeless mercy.” Next to Him stands Nityananda, He is pointing at the feet of Caitanya Mahaprabhu, so is Gadadhara from the other side, and then finally Srivas, praying as we should all do. Jaya Pancatatva!

Chant Hare Krishna and your life will be sublime, I want to shout it on the roof top so everyone can hear, yet I still have this attachment that prevents me from externally expressing this feeling. We are so fortunate, the path has been paved by Sri Pancatatva and our predecessor acharyas. Easy process, one life time process, no more. One life time, not thousands of years of meditation, one life time. It only takes one moment to fully surrender. Make Krishna the center of your life and receive Krishna prema. Do not become a soul-killer, take good care of your self-realization, do not kill your Self. In this way my mind is being trained.

asurya nama te loka

andhena tamasavrtah

tams te pretyabhigacchanti

ye ke catma-hano janah

"The killer of the soul, whoever he may be, must enter into the planets known as the worlds of the faithless, full of darkness and ignorance"

This verse describes the demons as atma-hana, killers of the soul… when one does not cultivate spiritual understanding, when he does not try to free the eternal soul—himself—from the cycle of repeated birth and death, he becomes a killer of the soul. He is killing himself by refusing to accept spiritual instruction about the soul and how it can be liberated from material bondage. (Sri Isopanishad verse 3).

Achieving liberation from birth and death is not difficult, but one must take guidance from a bona fide, self-realized spiritual master who has understood the Absolute Truth. (Srila Prabhupada – B.T.G. 12-07 1977)

My mind wonders, am I killing my Self? Am I a slave to my desires, attractions, repulsions? Are my endeavors to maintain my status, my reputation, my relationships, my finances, my security etc… are they killing my soul? I have to constantly check what is getting in the way of my purification, be ready to re-assess, and pray to Radha Madhava for their compassion on this conditioned soul who without their mercy, is truly helpless.

Sometimes I offer to take devotees prayers to Sri Sri Radha Madhava, sometimes I take prayers also without being asked directly. I also have my own prayers. I say prayers, but most of the time they are wishes, requests. I don’t like to see Radha as a merchant and coming to her with a list but then again what other shelter is there, who else can answer our prayers.

Visvanath Chakravarti Thakur describes the pure devotee lamentation over his glorification efforts thus: “… I was rudely comparing Your dark limbs to the fresh monsoon cloud, the blue lotus and the sapphire. Your beautiful face to the moon, and the tenderness of your feet to newly spouted leaves. Now seeing your real beauty I realize that by my poor intelligence I was clearly offending You. I was trying to compare half a useless mustard seed to the golden mount Meru, a chick pea to a touchstone, a jackal to a lion, or a mosquito to Garuda. Thinking then “I am praising the Lord”….

After reading such a passage I am feeling even more useless with my list of wishes. Yet I still pray to Radha, daily, with hardly any attempts at futile descriptions of her beauty or qualities.

“My dear Sri Radha, this devotee wants success, this devotee wants health, this devotee wants wealth, please be merciful to them.” Then I hear this voice inside my head, “why ask for so little when Radha can give Krishna Prema.” Is this voice inspired by Radha, by Srila Prabhupada or Paramatma, or simply my own mind? I will never know but I welcome the message.

“I truly and only want Krishna Prema, let that be my desire and focus, please remove all other desires, attractions and repulsions; let them all melt away at the sound of the holy name, let me take shelter of these names and remind myself of my true essence and purpose”

More next time.

Happily and slowly taking one step at a time towards Radha and Krishna's Love.

your ever servant of the servants

A Mayapur Birthday Party

A Mayapur Birthday Party

I received a special invitation to a birthday party. The mind (remember adyatmika klesa) rejects such invitations, so much prasad – I prefer to eat simply, I could go home, have time to myself…

However I am in charge of this body and I feel this invitation to break away from routine has been sent by Krishna, so I choose to happily, eagerly, joyfully attend the birthday party. After all, this is special it is Bhakta Vatsalya’s party, not an ordinary party as he is celebrating entering gurukula.

I arrived on time at Radha Madhava’s sewing room where it was to take place. All I see is 2 long rows of men sitting against the walls, chanting Hare Krishna. I like Hare Krishna kirtan and it was really nice to just chant Hare Krishna, just simple Hare Krishna maha manthra. I took a seat and joined in. Gradually more matajis, and the mother arrived, along with the birthday boy and eventually the guests of honor, H.G. Pankajanghri prabhu and H.G. Jananivas prabhu. They normally don’t attend birthday bashes but this is special, all the sewing room workers were attending, it was also a post Janmastami, Radhastami feast.

First we play then we eat. Jananivas prabhu, Pankajanghri prabhu and Bhakta Vatsalya took turns successfully breaking balloons filled with candy, the workers dove to the ground to catch as many as they could as though they were children themselves. Pankajanghri prabhu took a while before breaking his balloon, he made everyone laugh hitting his stick here and there trying to find it in his blind-folded state; at times it looked like he was trying to find bystanders. Of course the self imposed dance, twirling around for disorientation, must not have helped him. The little boy also broke a balloon. There was a lot of laughter, and then prasad, as much or as little as anyone wanted.

After most of us were finished eating, H.G. Jananivas prabhu and Pankajanghri prabhu gave short talks, to me this was the real feast.

Jananivas prabhu took the opportunity to thank Radha Madhava’s sewing team for their selfless efforts and dedication as they stayed up late, night after night, for several days finishing Radhastami dresses. The workers’ devotion reminded him of his readings from Srila Visvanath Cakravarti Thakur. He said that when one attains Krishna prema, Krishna Himself comes to thank the devotees for selfless acts of love for Him, such as staying up late or taking up austerities such as fasting on ekadasi or any endeavors for the Lord undertook during their life. At that time Krishna approaches us in the mood of our eternal svarupa while we are still in the material body. When he said that, I could imagine Krishna embracing or holding hands with each of these workers, with love, thanking them for their endeavors. I was regretting not having been there with them sewing through the night, as I search my memory for times when I may have been blessed with such special opportunity to serve selflessly.

“Radha please always keep me engaged in your loving service, for eternity.”

The following is some of the conversation one can expect at such a time from Visvanath Chakravarti Thakur’s Madhurya Kadambini . The Lord says:

“O My best devotee, many births you have given up wife, house, and wealth to attain Me. For the sake of my service you endured untold miseries such as cold, wind, hunger,
thirst, and pain. Maintaining your life by begging, you tolerated countless insults
and abuses from other men. In return for all your sacrifices, I am unable to give you anything. I have simply become your debtor.

Rulership over the whole earth, lordship over the heavens, and mystic powers
are unsuitable for you. How can I give them to you? No, no. Grass and straw,
the delight of cows, I cannot give to a man. Though I’m unconquerable, today
I’ve certainly been conquered by you. Now I’m taking shelter of the creeper of
your excellent character and gentle conduct.”

And the devotee responds:

“… O great master, You make me shamed by saying from your lotus mouth that you
have become my debtor. Now what do I do?.... Just one day before I was rudely
comparing Your dark limbs to the fresh monsoon cloud, the blue lotus and the sapphire. Your beautiful face to the moon, and the tenderness of your feet to newly spouted
leaves. Now seeing your real beauty I realize that by my poor intelligence I was
clearly offending You. I was trying to compare half a useless mustard seed to the
golden mount Meru, a chick pea to a touchstone, a jackal to a lion, or a mosquito to
Garuda. Thinking then ‘I am praising the Lord’ …
(Madhurya Kadambini – Srila Visvanath Cakravarti Thakur, Eight Nectar Shower)

Imagine the despair of the devotee when Krishna, after revealing Himself and at times the entire Vrndavan Dham, He then leaves again. The devotee in prema bhakti finds His separation unbearable. Any more love for Krishna would be intolerable to the embodied soul. The devotee in such a state does not care for any socially acceptable behavior, his only concern being to be reunited with His Lord.

Back to the birthday party, Pankajanghri prabhu spoke next. He told everyone how for many years Bhakta Vatsalya’s parents had been hoping for a son. They got 2 daughters, 2 beautiful and qualified goddesses. Eventually Kesavi, Bhakta Vatsalya’s mata, prayed to Sri Nrsingha deva. For around 6 months she was performing severe austerities, one vrata after the other. She promised Nrsingha deva to give Him her son as a personal servant following the advice of the pujaris.

She recalls asking me for my blessing to have a son. I told her that her son was already chosen by Krishna not to worry, she should first get her health back before growing this special soul in her womb. The astrologers also recommended she wait for a better time, another 6 months. She then got the blessings of the pujaris before performing garbhodhana samskara.

Pankajanghri prabhu also talked about how this little 9 year old boy was to be trained to be the next Nrsingha deva pujari, he joked “just in time for my retirement”. It is obvious to everyone; this little boy is not ordinary, he is an eternal servant of Bhakta Vatsalya Nrsingha Bhagavan.

It was the best birthday party ever. I sat next to Bhakta Vatsalya who is a most respectful sweet boy. He told me he is eager to learn how to cook at the gurukula. Krishna takes such good care of me always sending me to the right place to find some nectar.

More next time.

Happily and slowly taking one step at a time towards Radha and Krishna's Love.

your ever servant of the servants

Adyatmika - Adibhautika - Adidaivika

September 18^th 2010

Adyatmika - Adibhautika - Adidaivika

As long as we are conditioned in this material body these miseries will follow. Krishna’s body is sat-chit-ananda, eternity, knowledge and bliss, no suffering. At this point we are conditioned souls subjected to material miseries. Krishna kindly reminds us of our current position in hope we will strive for our original identity..

The demigods sent rain, it was required for crops, there has been little rain this monsoon. The roads become very slippery, the weather is too hot, too humid, the conditioned soul suffers. These are blessings from the demigods, adidaivika. In this way we can be reminded that this material world is not our eternal home, we don’t belong here. Our real identity is sat-chit-ananda, just like Krishna’s ,just smaller, very much smaller, one tenth thousand the size of the tip of a hair. This sat-chit-ananda is the norm, not what we are experiencing. Happiness in the material world is compared to a drowning person who manages to catch a single breath, that breath feels like enjoyment, this is material enjoyment.

Other living entities also take part in this ploy to destroy our attachment to this body in spite of its imperfection. On the way to mangal artik, I choose to walk in the grass to avoid the slippery clay covered road. I still think I can enjoy, or at least avoid misery. As I slowly walk on the wet grass, I woke up countless mosquitoes, resting there. It was only after I reached the temple that I realized what had happened. My ankles were covered with itching bites cause by adibhautika (miseries caused by other living entities), again I failed to taste ananda.

At least so far the body, my own body is cooperating, no adyatmika in sight, or is there? I forgot momentarily that my ankles are swollen and that I am somehow growing an infection in a toe and a rash on my neck... Did I already forget the stomach problems I had during Janmastami celebrations? There is no such thing as ananda in this material body. Therefore today, I want to blissfully and ecstatically wish everyone to “Die Well”. We always seem to focus on living a good life, enjoying life. What is the point, we are out-numbered, us against adibhautika, adyatmika, adidaivika, even the atma turns against us with miseries of the body and mind. Even if you were to somehow attain ananda, sat is not part of this world. it is a temporary place.

May you blissfully live, to die well.

I was thinking about someone who has been sick lately, thinking of how to pray to Nrsinhadev for him, I usually leave it up to Nrsingha deva with a prayer saying something like “Please take good care of...” But then I thought that in the future I could ask Nrsingha deva to please always protect him/her from a meaningless, unfortunate, sad death. “May he/she be immersed in Krishna Consciousness at the time of death.” I want that blessing. Somehow to remember who I am eternally and embrace my reunion with my Lord and His consort. May we all die gloriously… Gloriously… GLORIOUSLY, fully immersed in Krishna consciousness, wherever it may be, fully in the presence of our Lord and Master. I pray that Krishna makes the necessary arrangements so that at that crucial moment we see Him face to face, out of His causeless mercy upon desperately trying conditioned souls.

Today would be the birthday of Grahila prabhu who died such a death last March in Mayapur, Krishna made all the arrangements, he was surrounded with devotees reading Krishna lila with him. Jananivas prabhu said in his class that morning that his breathing was hurried at mangal artik as if he had to hurry to take his allotted number of breaths before time came to go herd the cows with Krishna. A calf will be named after him in the morning. The community supported him in his death and now carry on the memory of the devotees as one who died gloriously…

Yes, a brilliant exit is within our reach. Hari Hari Bol!

More next time.

Happily and slowly taking one step at a time towards Radha and Krishna's Love.

your ever servant of the servants

Extra-Ordinary Dhambhasi

September 16^th 2010

Yesterday was Radhastami, the most important day of the year, the day we honor Sri Radha without whom there is no access to Krishna. She is sometimes described as Krishna Himself as she cannot be separated from Him for even in separation He never leaves her mind and heart. Please visit the Mayapur.TV Archives to see all that happened in Mayapur on this most auspicious day; it was truly ecstatic for the thousands of devotees present.

On Radhastami I met a neighbor I had not talked to before. I spoke about ordinary dhambhasis in a previous blog. This servant of Radha is an extraordinary dhambhasi. From the first time I saw her she reminded me of a manjari, a young sakhi, not because of her natural beauty but more her joyful way of being, her inner beauty. Of course I had not been in her living space yet and had not spoken to her, just felt a little of her energy, her way of being.

She asked me if I wanted to see her Prabhupada, “yes of course”. I was expecting a nice Prabhupada deity. She did have a nice Prabhupada deity, one that actually looks like Srila Prabhupada but there was much more than that to be seen. Her room, the room right next to mine was glowing with cheerfulness. First there was Srila Prabhupada’s office , on what is meant to be the built-in desk, in these rooms, it was perfect and complete replica of Srila Prabhupada’s rooms: slippers, kartals, lamp, book, reading glasses, everything.

Behind the door is a cement shelving provided with the rooms, this is where Srila Prabhupada’s bedrooms was. Where a bed for the resident is usually located, Srila Prabhupada has a temple room with small Radha Govinda playing in a forest with wild animals and Nimai Nitai for actual worship. In this way I found out that Srila Prabhupada is my neighbor.

On the balcony resides the servant, that manjari-like vaisnavi. Her clothing, her humble working table… her bed is folded away in the morning and stows away above the kitchen. It is too small to be able to take a good picture, may be 4'X7' , srila Prabhupada's kitchen is attached to his servant's quarters.

You can meet many kinds of dhambhasis in Mayapur. I have Srila Prabhupada as a neighbour on one side with his servant, and Giriraj on the other side, what more could I have expected. I will have to tell about Giriraj another day.

More next time.

Happily and slowly taking one step at a time towards Radha and Krishna's Love.

your ever servant of the servants

Seva in the Dham

I never know what to expect from a day in Mayapur. I have my schedule, my duties, my wishes, desires, anarthas etc but Krishna takes charge. His house, His rules, His mercy.

Every day I ask Sri Radha to engage me in Her service so that little by little my heart can become cleansed and I can make room for true Love of God to grow there. Chanting the maha manthra is merely pleading for seva: Krishna seva, vaisnava seva, "O energy of the Lord please engage me in devotional service".

Hare Krishna

Hare Krishna

Krishna Krishna

Hare Hare

Hare Rama
Hare Rama
Rama Rama
Hare Hare

There is good reason to rejoice when service opportunities manifest. "Radha heard my prayer, and I, most importantly, heard Her answer". I have no doubt that Sri Radha hears my plea, it is my hearing her response that I have to pray for. All glories to devotional service."Dear Srimate Radharani, please engage me in your service so that I may one day learn to love Krishna." A devotee is "empty" without service; it is the most unfortunate thing that can happen. I pray that I may never be without service to the vaisnavas and Krishna.

After praying in this way today, a very dear friend asked me to help her with accessing and transcribing a few select classes. What an enjoyable service this will be: having to relish word by word, from comma to comma, one syllable, one letter at a time, the nectar spoken by the vaisnavas as part of a greater effort to glorify a recently departed pure devotee. I love this life Krishna is giving me, I love being His puppet, letting Him take charge while living in His own abode, this place created by Radha's play, Nava Vrndaban, Nava Dwipa.

I celebrate my growing dependence on Krishna and pray that I may never again be tricked by maya to desire or seek another shelter.

More next time.
Happily and slowly taking one step at a time towards Radha and Krishna's Love

your ever servant of the servants

Ordinary Dhambhasis

After being in Mayapur for just over a month, I ventured to Navadwip. I needed to set up my kitchen, simple things like cooking pots and a stove. I am grateful that the journey provided me with more than shopping as an experience.

As we left, it started pouring, I mean really pouring, torrential cleansing rain, flash flood kind of rain. We had an umbrella but the rain was falling so hard that it was piercing right through the new umbrella. This kind of rain often doesn’t last very long and it didn’t. We started our journey first by rikshaw to the gath, where we would take the ferry across the Ganga.

As I was waiting to board the ferry, I noticed a cleanly dressed ordinary dhambhasi mataji, she was sort of looking at me; we exchanged smiles, pranams and Haribols. She was holding a peculiar small vessel in her hand; it looked like a lime sized butter churn with a small stick coming out of it. As I found myself staring at it, she proceeded towards me and started applying tilak from her “churn” onto my forehead, first 2 perfect lines with the help of her toothpick like stick, then a tulsi leaf with her finger, then token touches of tilak over my clothing on the remaining 12 tilak locations. It is probably the neatest tilak I will ever wear, I was grateful for her service, we exchanged a few words; I left her a donation. It was fun and practical as I wanted to have again the tilak that the rain had washed away.

The Ganga looked murky, probably because of the rain we just had experienced, with floating bunches of greenery, undoubtedly released from the shores. We could have started our shopping right away but choose to go visit a friend of a friend first and to shop on the way back. As we arrived there, he quickly greeted us, showed us a room to sit in and ran back to his cooking. We sat in the “everything” room. A large bed, a table with a variety of old books, somewhat dusty, an altar in one corner of the room. We sat on the bed and talked with each other while our guest kept cooking. On the simple, well worn altar was a picture of Radha Madhava, and a sila. I was fortunate to hear how this sila found His home in Navadwip.

A few years back, as our host and my friend were preparing to go to Vrndaban for pilgrimage, he announced to “his” Radha Madhava on the altar, “I won’t take you with me, I am going to Vrndaban for a few days” He then saw Radha’s eyes turn black, so the next morning , not knowing what to do or say he ventured: “ok, I will bring you”, the eyes returned to their normal colour and Radha Madhava went to Vrndaban. These "ordinary dhambhasis" have such interactions with their Radha Madhava. While in Vrndaban they went on parikrama around Govardhan; at one point feeling tired they sat down and rested, as my friend fell asleep our host found a stone to throw at him to wake him up, he put a stone in his pocket in case he needed to do it again, forgetting momentarily that he was on Govardhan Hill. When he returned, he realized that the stone was still with him and he installed it on his altar. Of course he is not the first person to take a sila from Govardhan Hill but when Krishna doesn't want you to, you can get very sick from doing that.

After he started worship, he realized that eyes were manifested on this Govardhana Sila. I saw the eyes, clear indents, the outline of eyes and brow. This sila found His home away from Vrndaban in an "ordinary" dhambhasi’s house. We ate sumptuously. There was a panic moment when he realized he hadn’t prepared any sweets, he quickly ran to the sweet shop and brought back rasagullas. Somehow regardless of their financial conditions they want to give the very best they can, such gracious hosts. As we were leaving to do our errands, both the host and his son reached for my feet to touch. I feel embarrassed and unworthy but I have been told to accept the gesture on behalf of Srila Prabhupada. So my worthless feet were humbly touched by this widower and his young son, an ordinary family worshipping Radha Madhava and Govardhana SIla in their modest home in Navadwip Dham.

Krishna, today, allowed me to spend time with His dhambhasis, eternal residents of Vaikuntha. Thank you Krishna.

Shopping, the aim of the journey and drudgery was next. I find rikshaws very awkward to get in and out of; they seem a little high for me to step into. As I was tallying my stainless steel purchases, I witnessed an older gentleman struggling with his rikshaw as well. He was uneasily negotiating the getting out of the rikshaw, I empathized but there was nothing I could do. It took a while to do the tally as everything has to be weighted, 12 pieces total, some pots, storage containers, eating dishes, utensils… The old man returned to his rickshaw, I was observant as though I knew he would teach me a trick that would save me the embarrassment of being stuck half way into a risksaw. He carefully gathered his dhoti to a shorter length and set foot just below the main landing step on another step some 6” lower. I never knew this "step" existed. I doubt it was created to help clumsy seniors, as it appears to be part of the vehicle’s suspension, but it was a valuable trick to learn, it makes climbing into a ricksaw a pleasurable experience.


We slowly returned home willingly burdened with material possessions, and joyful to have met nice vaisnavas in the process.

More next time.
Happily and slowly taking one step at a time towards Radha and Krishna's Love

your ever servant of the servants

Srila Prabhupada's Vyas Puja

September 3rd,
Srila Prabhupada Vyasa Puja

What a beautiful day. I love my life. This is what I found myself saying on the way home after the Vyasa Puja Celebrations.

On my way to the temple I met several pilgrims, simply because I greeted them with "Haribol", with raised arms, I received both obeisances and embraces. Even one old widow asked me if her tilak was ok. I like knowing a little Bengali and want to improve my understanding and general communication skills. They are also devotees, many know it, others are here to find out, but we have to reach out to them, welcome them, share our knowledge and realizations to the best of our ability. They come for darshan and association, most leave having taken darshan, some could have more association.


I stayed up in the admin room for most of the celebrations. I was expecting Hari Sauri prabhu to call out my name for reading my offering but he didn’t. When came time for abhiseka, I saw Sitala bathing Prabhupada and though maybe I should go down and see if I could also. I saw a literal ocean of devotees sitting tightly in front of Srila Prabhupada’s Asana all the way to the end of the Pancatatva temple room on all sides. Srila Prabhupada was perched atop a lotus flower, The lotus was in the center of a pond about 4 feet above the ground with bridges leading up to him. Around the pond were flowers and plants on a platform made to look like a cow dung floor, there were 3 sets of precarious steps leading up to Srila Prabhupada’s cow dung look-alike landing. It was on that platform, the outer circle around Srila Prabhupada that the abhiseka of little Prabhupada was going on.

How to cross over the ocean of devotees absorbed in the nectarean abhiseka? I observed from the corner, perched on the steps leading up to the Pancatatva extension, and felt content, as second generation seniors were starting to bathe Srila Prabhupada. Suddenly I see Hari Sauri prabhu cutting a path towards me, parting the sea so that I could come and bathe Srila Prabhupada. I felt so welcome, so appreciated, it was such a warm feeling, even thinking about it makes my heart weep. He also parted all the brahmacharis and others who were waiting in line for their turn and put me in front of all. As I look at the uneven steps, with no railings, I wonder: "You can do it; be a “soldier”", this is what my son Abhai would say to me if he were here, all the while extending a hand to help me. Then a devotee I never saw before asked if I needed help and gave me his hand to stabilize my going up the steps. This is all I needed just a little stabilizing; it was so kind of this stranger devotee to offer.

Krishna takes such good care of me, at every little step. One step toward Him and He arranges everything in such a perfect way. I am most fortunate. I do love my life.

I went back upstairs to the admin, and did a bit more chatting. During pushpanjali, since lowers were limited and so many devotees were there, I stayed upstairs, watched Srila Prabhupada getting dressed by Jananivas prabhu (our cameras are very well located and Ekatma prabhu knows how to find the special angles, that others cannot see). I offered pushpanjali as well, in my mind and on the net. I offered handfuls of bakula flowers, so small, fragile and gentle yet so fragrant. It was the very best I could find.


Time to feast. Yes I will try to feast. My stomach has been bothering me for a couple of days but today I feel better, I will eat Srila Prabhupada’s feast. Off to the Gada building.

Special door for Srila Prabhupada disciples! I tip-toed so very carefully on the wet marble, making my way to the front of the line where I was meant to sit. As I was about to sit on the ground in a row, I get called to go further up front, next to H.H. Jayapataka Maharaj, at a table. H.G. Vidvan Gauranga prabhu and Rama devi were heading up this courteous gesture, it made eating much more enjoyable, exchanging light conversation with Rama devi and enjoying a beautiful Bengali feast, rice, dahl, paneer subji, chutney, sweet rice…. There was sukta and many other things but not wanting to overdo after almost 3 days of fasting, I kept it sort of simple, simply enjoyable.

I returned for the evening program, I wanted to read my offering but needed just that little bit of encouragement, like someone calling my name; Hari Sauri prabhu did. I spoke after Pankajanghri prabhu. Hari Sauri prabhu gave me such an introduction, it was almost embarrassing. He made me sound like a ISKCON heroin, joining at 16, preaching in school, running away from home, starting what is now the International School, spending more time in Mayapur, while in Canada, then he did himself and currently working for Mayapur TV full time, etc …. I prayed to be able to read my offering with some humility and that it would inspire others to love and serve Srila Prabhupada by sharing with them my offering.

nama om vishnu-padaya krishna-preshthaya bhu-tale

srimate bhaktivedanta-svamin iti namine

namas te saraswate deve gaura-vani-pracarine

nirvishesha-shunyavadi-pashchatya-desha-tarine

"All glories to you Srila Prabhupada"

These are the only words I ever spoke to you, in person. Again and again I offer my obeisances to you with all humility at my command and occasional tears in my eyes.

"All glories to you Srila Prabhupada."

On this vyasa puja day I want to make an attempt at thanking you and once again offer you my life. I want to thank you for the association you gave me. For the preachers, the GBC's, the sannyasis, the scholars, the temple presidents, the book distributors, the pujaris... all the devotees who keep on going, sometimes making mistakes, but nevertheless ready to correct themselves and keep on serving you, just like a child learning to walk keeps on trying until success.

From the beginning of my spiritual life, you taught me to accept them as your representatives. The first time I tried writing you a letter - a letter that was to remain an eternal draft as it never seemed good enough to send - I received guidance from your representatives, and I still hear through my seniors.

Thank you for your greatness, you purity, your strength, and for letting it shine through your sincere followers. I gave you my life with all my heart in 1972. Once again and with a life's time experience instead of childhood behind me, I want to offer you my life, please mold it according to your will, let your wisdom and love shine through me so that I can help with your mission.

I plead with our Lord to give me the qualifications I lack to be of use to you and your movement. I seek your blessings to be able to sincerely attempt to repay an inexhaustible debt to you and all the previous acharyas.

More next time.
Happily and slowly taking one step at a time towards Radha and Krishna's Love


your ever servant of the servants

Janmastami

I thought yesterday was a Surrender Day, today I feel sicker, more rest, more fasting.


I managed to be at the temple from early till after noon artik but could only be half present. I usually enjoy watching Krishna receive his samskaras as the devotees take Krishna through all of them systematically, from jata karma to diksha.


This year was special as they also did a play of the same, simultaneously. It was a bit hard to follow as the sound was a little confusing, so many things at once, kirtan, manthras, play.... All wa meant for Krishna's pleasure. Krishna doesn't get confused easily. I am certain he enjoyed the offerings: kirtan, manthras, yajna, play, all of it.


I spent the rest of the day at home resting, chanting. It is hard to accept sleep as your service when there is so much you could be doing.


I managed to take darshan at midnight artik by the mercy of a neighbour who also shared some boiled potatoes and some magic pills to help me get my body back in shape. Her internet connection was not very good but by refreshing, I was able to see Choto Madhava and Radha Madhava Asta Sakhi. We had no success viewing the abhiseka which I am sure was amazing, there were some 285 devotees online watching! ...I was not one of them this time.


Happy Birthday Krishna.

Today I am not well but tomorrow is another day, I will write more then.
Happily and slowly taking one step at a time towards Radha and Krishna's Love


your ever servant of the servants

Surrender - Mind - Chapahatti

September 1st

I read a definition for surrender today. It helps me understand surrender in smaller increments until I am able to follow in the footsteps of Draupadi or Kunti devi.

SURRENDER - Master the lessons of your present circumstances. We do not move forward by resisting what is undesirable in our life today. We move forward, we grow, we change by acceptance, Avoidance is not the key, surrender is.

Today I am sick, nausea, diarrhea, so I will fast, drink water, lots of water and hopefully flush out what is not wanted in my body. I am not sure what caused it as I haven’t done anything unusual except for honoring a small amount of very rich maha prasad. I have not been very regular with my meals, this may be the external cause, my purification hopefully being the true reason.

As I lie down giving my body a chance to heal itself, I listen to Srila Prabhupada (Srila Prabhupada, BG 2.13 – 1965-66) and drink water.

“Disturbance of mind is due to ignorance, unnatural condition”, opposite of dhira undisturbed. Mind in material condition is always disturbed. Being spirit by nature, it is no wonder we get disturbed in this foreign environment. Srila Prabhupada explains how this material world is unfamiliar to us, we belong to the spiritual world. Srila Prabhupada remembers being worried when having to figure out how to proceed to get a bus to Butler, when arriving in New York. Ignorance is a cause of disturbance of the mind.

Today my surrender is to rest. I will not resist my sick stomach, I feel weak. I will hear Prabhupada, chant japa, hear kirtan… these activities are natural to the soul they should relieve my disturbed mind/body. If I feel stronger later in the day, I will seek live association. I am thanking Krishna for this change of pace, it is His mercy, just for me.

Later, a neighbor came to visit. I had decorated my altar with chamkak flowers so we got talking about Jayadeva Goswami and golden champaks that Champakalata used to pick for Krishna in a grove near his place. Champak and golden champak are not the same but the mind can travel from one topic to the next without much notice. I remembered how Jayadeva Goswami in that very place, Champahatti, Champakalata’s champa grove, wrote Gita Govinda. One day a verse came to Jayadeva’s mind. In his writing, Radha had been very angry at Krishna, probably not without reason as Krishna likes to stimulate that love/anger mood. But now He was caught in His game as Radha would not get out of that mood, no matter how much Krishna pleaded. He had tried everything, so this verse came to Jayadeva’s mind indicating that Krishna bowed touching Radha’s lotus feet with His head, in apology. Jayadeva could not write that sloka, thinking he might be committing an offense by even thinking it, so since it was soon lunch time, he told his wife he would go bathe in the nearby Ganga and take his lunch upon his return.

Jayadeva’s wife, Padmavati, saw her husband return, saw him write, and gave him his lunch. Then he left again. Soon after, she saw him returning once again and he asked for lunch. “I just fed you lunch, you want to eat again? You ate, wrote a verse and left and now you want to eat again.” Jayadeva went to look at his manuscript and saw that the verse he had been thinking of had been written "dehi padapallava-mudaram" . He could understand that Krishna himself had come to visit his wife in his absence, and wrote the verse Himself. He fell in complete ecstasy, shared his discovery with Padmavati and both of them practically lost external consciousness being absorbed in full Krishna consciousness.

I get a lot of stories mixed up - hopefully I got this one right. It would be wonderful if I could somehow walk on Parikrama with the devotees this year. So many stories half remembered in my head. May be Mayapur TV will go on Parikrama with a magic backpack and allow all the internet devotees to come along, I would love to go on Parikrama, not sure my body can follow my mind . Sometimes all I can remember is a feeling about a place, how it made me feel to hear the stories.

More next time on more surrender and Janmastami.
Happily and slowly taking one step at a time towards Radha and Krishna's Love

Your ever servant of the servant.

Everyday Miracles and Settling In - Excerts from my journal

I am starting on a new chapter of my life, keeping some of the old and hopefully lots of new.

I had been praying for the ability and opportunity to preach, in an attempt to repay my dept to Srila Prabhupada. It sounded like an answer to my prayers when devotees started asking for access to previous classes, I could be preaching as eloquently and sincerely as the best, simply by repeating what they said, by recording their classes and posting them on an archiving blog. A true answer to my prayers. I wonder where Krishna is taking me to now, as I don’t see how I will be able to continue this service from here. "I am here for you instructions, Radha Madhava, You have brought me here for a reason as undoubtedly “You” have brought me here. Only by Your mercy."

My feet are burning, my hips and back are aching, last night as I walked back from the temple, I took one step at a time, no knowing how I would find the strength to take the next one. I am so physically out of shape, it is not even funny or may be it is jet lag or purification or all of these reasons. "Krishna where are you taking me, where is this journey going?" With my desire and Radha Madhava’s infinite mercy, I will awaken my true self, as brilliant as the sun, slowly rid of all the muck.

Visa obstacles had been more like Visa nectar. I was told there is no such a thing as a long term visa for people like me (Caucasian) by the clerk who seemed a little grouchy. I got in touch with my real self and asked that it be showing true, not the mucky “me”, but the eternal servant of Radha Madhava and His devotees. It is not always easy, for some reason to shine through but it feels so nice and is always so rewarding when “I” am able to come out. “I” humbly requested the clerk to please look at my supporting documents and advise me as I wanted to be in Mayapur for at least 5 years. Her response was that she would have to make a phone call. As she and her supervisor are speaking on the phone, I am perceiving negative energy and quite a bit of yelling. "This perception was also coming from You my Lord as it enticed me to pray with closed eyes in the middle of the visa office. I could see You in your Chota Madhava form, so sweetly glancing at the events unfolding." The clerk returned, she was like a different person, she was shining brightly, she was very happy for me: ‘they gave it to you, you are approved. Never before have I seen this, there is something about this application that is not like any other, something special about this letter”; she didn’t see Radha Madhava blessing me once again. She told me that this visa is “for life”, it can be extended at will even from within India. I had an unexpected and spontaneous reaction: “You mean I can die there?” taken by surprised she wished that I not die in many years, but it touched her, I saw the spark in her eyes, at that moment, she also wanted to be in Mayapur.

Mayapur is a state of mind, anyone can be there, with Krishna on their lips, Caitanya in their heart. I pray to be allowed to taste the nectar of truly “being” in Mayapur. "I offer my aching body to the Lord, please do with it as you please. You have the power to remove my anarthas and attachments; I am powerless, while I pray to be a servant of the servant of Your lotus feet."

August 8

Last night on my way home, I was wondering if it was hunger or just heat that was making me feel so weak. I hadn’t really eaten much all day. I stopped by Advaita Chandra’s pizza shop. I didn’t have much on me, may be RS25-30. Advaita Chandra prabhu was very welcoming and offered me to eat with no money, first time in his shop, so I had the royal treatment pulling up a table for me, right in the middle of his shop and feeding me his pizza. I obliged him, for in order to give someone has to be receiving.

I stayed in the office till a little past 10 am and went for breakfast at Govinda’s. Massala dosha. The fan wasn’t working where I sat so it was suggested I sit on the other side. I vaguely recognized a mataji I had seen yesterday at lunch with H.H. Jayapata Swami, I asked her to join her at her table. We talked a little about class and H.H. Jayapataka Swami, she was in a hurry and left before I could finish my prasad but paid for my meal.

"Thank you Krishna, for letting me know I did something you appreciated."

I feel asleep exhausted, from the heat mostly I think. I did some laundry, showered and bathe Radha Rasabehari , Salagram and Radha Giridhari. I know I shouldn’t be doing puja in the afternoon but it will take time to get everything in order. Ants are starting to notice someone lives here with flowers, ghee wicks and treats. What to do.

I don’t know if I should be concerned with my health, my feet are constantly swollen and burning, is it the heat? Why is this happening? I asked Nrsingha dev this morning to remove this impediment to my service as it is becoming an impediment. I must be undergoing purification.

August 9th

Krishna is so kind. My feet are not hurting as much, still swollen and burning but everything is falling into place. Something is very new about me, I sing, whenever I am neither writing nor speaking, I am singing. It feels nice to sing the holy name.

One of Krishna's flower matajis is always specially kind to me, I know her from a long time ago when she was a new bride-to-be. She gave me a special perfect little rose to give to Srila Prabhupada this morning. I almost lost my balance trying to place it at the perfect spot on the little sringasan, but it was worth it. I don’t care who is watching I am making my offering, it is between me and Prabhupada and in this case, one very special flower mataji. I offered it on behalf of my family who was asking for a special seva done on their behalf. I also prayed to Radha Madhava to give their mercy to the internet family just as he has given to me, as per a viewer’s request.

I saw Lintu, the mason who worked for us in setting up the Mayapur school. He was so happy to see me he could have hugged me. He reached for my hand and hugged it. It was nice, really nice after all these years. I saw someone else who remembered me, but wasn’t sure who she was, she said she did no seva so I took the liberty to tell her to always keep Krishna’s name on her tongue or mind so that her everyday activities can become seva.

I am told I have internet but can’t connect so I don’t know what to say.

August 10, 2010

It seems like so much happened since I wrote yesterday, so many “little" things. I went shopping. I got 2 thalis to fill with water to keep ants away from Krishna’s plate and from bhoga. On my way to Nimai dokan, I also got a sweet sounding bell, an incense holder and an atchman cup, and I splurged on a new bag exactly the size of my lap top with a front pocket that holds money and my passport, I least it did today when I went to change money.

I saw an old friend, it was so nice to see her, we speak the "same language". We spoke of sweet surrender, spoke of her husband who passed away gloriously recently, we will speak more, she is such a kindred spirit.

I have no desire to get a cooking set up at this point, later. I eat one meal a day at Govinda’s, some dried fruits and nuts at home in the evening. I might get a papaya for Krishna when I go out next, papayas are nice. I need to get some saris as much as I don’t feel like shopping for them. Wearing a synthetic sari today felt like I was trapped in a bundle of useless hot fabric.

My husband made me laugh, he came on MTV and started asking me where the semolina was kept. He was doing it totally on purpose, sort of showing the world I have “another life” or other people in my life.

August 11th

I went to Nimai dokan to pick up a papaya for Krishna, it was huge. Papaya and laundry soap, must have weight between 12-15 lbs together. As I am walking home ever so slowly I am thinking that it would be very nice if Krishna sent someone my way to carry my things. Then I saw a bench in the shade, on the side of the path. Why don’t I sit down, I can, no one is forcing me to keep walking, so I sat and sang. A young man approached me: ”you know Lintu? He is my father, he went to see you the other day but you weren’t there, can he come see you today?” He spoke good English, says he has no book knowledge of the language but growing up around ISKCON he learned. Since he needed to know where I lived and since Krishna sent him to me I asked him if he could carry my bag to my room which he did with pleasure and said he would return in ½ hour. I showered quickly and offered the humongous papaya. They came and ate papaya, I also gave them sweet nuts from Canada. They talked to me about their money problems, the main problem is dowry, such a strain on these men to have to come up with a dowry, so much stress, so much worry. They can maintain themselves but to come up with RS 80,000 to give their daughter/sister in marriage, it is very difficult. I said I would find a way to give him a donation when the time comes. I was touched with the son’s dedication to his father, his father's problem is his problem.

They left and I still have ¼ papaya left, it was a HUGE sweet papaya!

August 15th 2010

Today is India’s Independence Day; in this Honor I celebrate my total dependence on Krishna.

I am feeling listless, while my mind has strong bursts of energy towards surrender and prayer, my body is dragging me down. I think I could sleep all day and most of the night. "Please, Krishna help me, I am feeling helpless, useless and powerless. Please pick me up from this world and place me as an atom at your lotus feet."

I picked up some chayawanprash, may be it will boost my energy levels. I also stopped at Uttam’s and had a lassi there, was nice, just smiling, laughing like old friends, then I walked to the temple, was locked out of the office, so I just sat in the temple room chanting. Will get a key made.

August 16th

I had a very nice day.

I offered to share my table with someone passing by this morning in the restaurant and, it turned very nicely for me. We spent a good part of the day together, talking about Krishna. I helped her get in touch with Chinese devotees who will get her books for her husband. In a matter of conversation she revealed that she was not spiritually stimulated by her “local guru” I didn’t know gurus were local. We talked about diksa and the need to take shelter of a person who increases your desire to serve and love Krishna, about the seriousness of initiation.

I crossed path with a neighbour in the afternoon, she said her sink and toilet are not draining and her internet is not working. We laughed and remembered Kunti devi. We have to learn to see life with gratitude. After talking with her a few minutes, she left me celebrating that Krishna was very good to her to only give her such small trouble. How blessed we are to live in Kunti Bhavan, always prompted to remember Kunti devi, her surrender and love for Krishna. It is an impetus to welcome little calamities with grace.

August 17th

Today I went to Krishnanagar FRO.

After 3 hours I got my papers back and ready to go. They are slower than turtle or snail and they are rude. FRO must be agents of the Lord/or Maya speeding up our purification when we arrive in the Dham, it is such an austerity to have to visit them. Luckily I was not alone, there were other devotees there, including a pregnant mataji from Europe we talked about prenatal classes, and she is interested in doing a series. It would be very different here, I wouldn’t need to talk about meds and minimal on testing (this is what I did professionally in Canada).

Funny the way these things come to me. As I returned on my way to the temple, I met the Mayapur Chandradoya Mandir official midwife who is asking me to attend a birth with her. She invited me to come to a prenatal with the couple tomorrow 4 pm. Let’s see where this goes. This might develop as part of my seva to the devotee community, let's see what Krishna has in mind for me.

I got back from Krishnanagar feeling exhausted in spite of the AC car etc.

August 19th

Back to normal schedule, sort of. Woke up early 2:30, chanted a bit before mangal artik.

Today I asked Radha Madhava to keep me engaged in their service, now that they have brought me here. I asked Nrsingha deva to protect me from my false ego and from mayadevi. I also asked him, if He could also do something about my ankle as I would greatly appreciate it; it is becoming a hindrance to my service. I am not sure what is the reason why Krishna is giving me this pain, but I offer it to him. I asked Pancatatva to shine through me and let me show mercy to all I meet. I want Nityananda prabhu’s causeless mercy to shine through me.

Tara, I forgot to talk about Tara, she came yesterday to meet with me and asked if I needed her to work. I can manage but said yes anyway, it will give me someone to get water for me, shopping, someone to check on me if I get sick. She is a housekeeper but mostly she is a devotee, a dhambasi. Her cleaning is incidental in our relationship. It was nice having Tara over, a little talking about depending on Krishna, our provider and protector, talking about asking Radha to give us seva. How too much thinking about money is no good, how my oldest son is worried about me, worried about me wanting to be at Krishna’s mercy, we laughed heartily.

As I was walking home I realized that my feet and ankles felt much worse inside my shoes, even if they are supposed to give me support being a more expensive type of sandal, so I bought some simple sandals – the price wasn’t so “simple” Rs 180. Anyway I want to try this.

Today is ekadasi, no eating for me, just water and I took Chawyanprash, had a coconut water and probably will have another before the day is over.

Every step taken in Mayapur Dham is like 10,000 ashwameda sacrifices. Each painful step, I take for Krishna. May be I can trade in the punya for Bhakti at some point.

August 22nd

After 2 days without internet, doing a little service uplifts my spirits. I walked home, the short cut way as it is hot at this time of the day. I stopped by a neighbour’s and pushed Giridharaj on His swing, it is Jhulan Yatra. Where else in the world do you have the opportunity to swing Giriraj in the hall of your apartment building? I talked for a few minutes about the blessing of forgetfulness, as we both have forgetful minds. Every lila becomes ever new, when we hear it as though we were hearing for the first time; then all of a sudden a flood of remembrance comes over us, as the speaker is telling the story, it is very sweet this way. This morning H.H. Jayapataka Maharaj was reminding us of Gauri Das Pandit’s interaction with Caitanya and Nityananda who were to leave their deity in their place and how they kept switching their forms between that of the deity and their Divine forms, until Gauri das became completely confused as to who is who. These deities are still visited on parikrama. I am happy to have found a way to connect with this mataji, she is a sweet devotee, I am getting to know her.

August 24-25

Today was another adventure at Krishna’s hands. From mangala artik I was in a meeting with MTV Archives in US. From now we will insert direct links for download as well as online watching. It will be much easier for people in India with limited bandwidth. While this was happening, an internet devotee’s mother came to ask me over for prasad. Bengali feast, tons of prasad, love/hate battle. I do have to eat and would prefer to have only dahl, rice and sak but she would be so happy if I accept. This is how Bengalis show love. I can accept her love and try to give some in return. This is very adventurous of me: I don’t know where she lives; it entails climbing in a ricksaw, and eating so many things. Let’s see where Krishna is taking me today. I was hankering for restful day.

I found her house easily, it was nice going down the road in a ricksaw, saw some people who recognized me, waved. As soon as she saw me she put me in this small room with comfortable chairs and a good fan. I sat there by myself, not a bad idea as I had all my rounds to chant and was comfortable. I chanted till they asked me to come out and sit on a chair to eat some prasad, everything was very good, excellent. Jagannath maha and some of her own cooking, I liked both, she is a very good cook. There were a few brahmacaris there as well, only Bengali was spoken. So it was pretty quiet for me. When I finished eating, mataji gently pushed me towards the sink to wash up and then back into “my” room with the chairs and fan. I completed a total of 10 rounds while there, which was very good, very relaxing actually. After some time I thought I should come out and excuse myself. Perfect timing they were coming to get me to show me the door, not in a bad way. They asked me to come again gave me daksine and arranged a ricksaw for me. It was an unfamiliar exchange but fun. next time I visit I will bring a godsister with me, I think I walked home from the front gate.

Now that was only one of the surprises Krishna had in mind for me. I rested a while and then this young couple came to have an unexpected prenatal with me. Prenatal means talking, analyzing feelings and fears, empowering with stories. I had a good time, they did too.

"What an unexpected day my Lord, thank you, I enjoyed the ride."

More next time on a taste of surrender in preparation for Janmastami.

Happily and slowly taking one step at a time towards Radha and Krishna's Love

Your ever servant of the servant.

Travelling across 12 time zones

My flight was very direct, I was lucky or should I say Krishna takes good care of me.

The best flight I could get had one stop over in UK, for 4 hours, that sounded good as I would get to meet other members of the team who I only know through email and occasional quick glances on broadcasts. Even communication through email has been very enlivening, I was looking forward to that meeting, Krishna had other plans. My departing flight was delayed 2 and half hours, leaving me just enough time to make my connection... ah well Antardwip prabhu, Vince prabhu and Chudamani mataji will have to come to Mayapur to meet me.


My flight left at 11:00pm local time, bedtime. I sat comfortably (?) or as comfortably as I could with my oversize body in the small chair, pulled out my ipod, and tuned in to Madhava's kirtan. Such a meditation on the holy name! Ever since the Birmingham 24 hr kirtan, I can't get enough of this SOUND vibration; after almost 40 years of chanting the holy name, it fostered a new appreciation for hearing as though it is opening my heart to the Name's beauty and magnetic power. I can listen to it for hours on end, and I did, while I drifted in and out of sleep and rested.



The airplane sounds were too loud to listen to the favorite classes I had selected for the journey, Sankarsan Nitai class from July and Aindra prabhu special Salagram worship instructions (a gift from Sanat Vasudev prabhu, a MTV associate).


Class by Sankarsana Nitai, July 23rd 2010

Between sleep and changing airplanes I followed the same pattern, same kirtan melting my stone like heart, while I rest and prepare to be back in Sri Dham Mayapur, my place of seva.

When I arrived in Kolkata I was WELCOMED with flowers and gift from our internet family. While I had not expected such a reception, I was not surprised as this is the mood of our internet community.

More next time on my first few days in Sridham Mayapur.

Happily and slowly taking one step at a time towards Radha and Krishna's Love,

your Mayapur TV servant