I am starting on a new chapter of my life, keeping some of the old and hopefully lots of new.
I had been praying for the ability and opportunity to preach, in an attempt to repay my dept to Srila Prabhupada. It sounded like an answer to my prayers when devotees started asking for access to previous classes, I could be preaching as eloquently and sincerely as the best, simply by repeating what they said, by recording their classes and posting them on an archiving blog. A true answer to my prayers. I wonder where Krishna is taking me to now, as I don’t see how I will be able to continue this service from here. "I am here for you instructions, Radha Madhava, You have brought me here for a reason as undoubtedly “You” have brought me here. Only by Your mercy."
My feet are burning, my hips and back are aching, last night as I walked back from the temple, I took one step at a time, no knowing how I would find the strength to take the next one. I am so physically out of shape, it is not even funny or may be it is jet lag or purification or all of these reasons. "Krishna where are you taking me, where is this journey going?" With my desire and Radha Madhava’s infinite mercy, I will awaken my true self, as brilliant as the sun, slowly rid of all the muck.
Visa obstacles had been more like Visa nectar. I was told there is no such a thing as a long term visa for people like me (Caucasian) by the clerk who seemed a little grouchy. I got in touch with my real self and asked that it be showing true, not the mucky “me”, but the eternal servant of Radha Madhava and His devotees. It is not always easy, for some reason to shine through but it feels so nice and is always so rewarding when “I” am able to come out. “I” humbly requested the clerk to please look at my supporting documents and advise me as I wanted to be in Mayapur for at least 5 years. Her response was that she would have to make a phone call. As she and her supervisor are speaking on the phone, I am perceiving negative energy and quite a bit of yelling. "This perception was also coming from You my Lord as it enticed me to pray with closed eyes in the middle of the visa office. I could see You in your Chota Madhava form, so sweetly glancing at the events unfolding." The clerk returned, she was like a different person, she was shining brightly, she was very happy for me: ‘they gave it to you, you are approved. Never before have I seen this, there is something about this application that is not like any other, something special about this letter”; she didn’t see Radha Madhava blessing me once again. She told me that this visa is “for life”, it can be extended at will even from within India. I had an unexpected and spontaneous reaction: “You mean I can die there?” taken by surprised she wished that I not die in many years, but it touched her, I saw the spark in her eyes, at that moment, she also wanted to be in Mayapur.
Mayapur is a state of mind, anyone can be there, with Krishna on their lips, Caitanya in their heart. I pray to be allowed to taste the nectar of truly “being” in Mayapur. "I offer my aching body to the Lord, please do with it as you please. You have the power to remove my anarthas and attachments; I am powerless, while I pray to be a servant of the servant of Your lotus feet."
August 8
Last night on my way home, I was wondering if it was hunger or just heat that was making me feel so weak. I hadn’t really eaten much all day. I stopped by Advaita Chandra’s pizza shop. I didn’t have much on me, may be RS25-30. Advaita Chandra prabhu was very welcoming and offered me to eat with no money, first time in his shop, so I had the royal treatment pulling up a table for me, right in the middle of his shop and feeding me his pizza. I obliged him, for in order to give someone has to be receiving.
I stayed in the office till a little past 10 am and went for breakfast at Govinda’s. Massala dosha. The fan wasn’t working where I sat so it was suggested I sit on the other side. I vaguely recognized a mataji I had seen yesterday at lunch with H.H. Jayapata Swami, I asked her to join her at her table. We talked a little about class and H.H. Jayapataka Swami, she was in a hurry and left before I could finish my prasad but paid for my meal.
"Thank you Krishna, for letting me know I did something you appreciated."
I feel asleep exhausted, from the heat mostly I think. I did some laundry, showered and bathe Radha Rasabehari , Salagram and Radha Giridhari. I know I shouldn’t be doing puja in the afternoon but it will take time to get everything in order. Ants are starting to notice someone lives here with flowers, ghee wicks and treats. What to do.
I don’t know if I should be concerned with my health, my feet are constantly swollen and burning, is it the heat? Why is this happening? I asked Nrsingha dev this morning to remove this impediment to my service as it is becoming an impediment. I must be undergoing purification.
August 9th
Krishna is so kind. My feet are not hurting as much, still swollen and burning but everything is falling into place. Something is very new about me, I sing, whenever I am neither writing nor speaking, I am singing. It feels nice to sing the holy name.
One of Krishna's flower matajis is always specially kind to me, I know her from a long time ago when she was a new bride-to-be. She gave me a special perfect little rose to give to Srila Prabhupada this morning. I almost lost my balance trying to place it at the perfect spot on the little sringasan, but it was worth it. I don’t care who is watching I am making my offering, it is between me and Prabhupada and in this case, one very special flower mataji. I offered it on behalf of my family who was asking for a special seva done on their behalf. I also prayed to Radha Madhava to give their mercy to the internet family just as he has given to me, as per a viewer’s request.
I saw Lintu, the mason who worked for us in setting up the Mayapur school. He was so happy to see me he could have hugged me. He reached for my hand and hugged it. It was nice, really nice after all these years. I saw someone else who remembered me, but wasn’t sure who she was, she said she did no seva so I took the liberty to tell her to always keep Krishna’s name on her tongue or mind so that her everyday activities can become seva.
I am told I have internet but can’t connect so I don’t know what to say.
August 10, 2010
It seems like so much happened since I wrote yesterday, so many “little" things. I went shopping. I got 2 thalis to fill with water to keep ants away from Krishna’s plate and from bhoga. On my way to Nimai dokan, I also got a sweet sounding bell, an incense holder and an atchman cup, and I splurged on a new bag exactly the size of my lap top with a front pocket that holds money and my passport, I least it did today when I went to change money.
I saw an old friend, it was so nice to see her, we speak the "same language". We spoke of sweet surrender, spoke of her husband who passed away gloriously recently, we will speak more, she is such a kindred spirit.
I have no desire to get a cooking set up at this point, later. I eat one meal a day at Govinda’s, some dried fruits and nuts at home in the evening. I might get a papaya for Krishna when I go out next, papayas are nice. I need to get some saris as much as I don’t feel like shopping for them. Wearing a synthetic sari today felt like I was trapped in a bundle of useless hot fabric.
My husband made me laugh, he came on MTV and started asking me where the semolina was kept. He was doing it totally on purpose, sort of showing the world I have “another life” or other people in my life.
August 11th
I went to Nimai dokan to pick up a papaya for Krishna, it was huge. Papaya and laundry soap, must have weight between 12-15 lbs together. As I am walking home ever so slowly I am thinking that it would be very nice if Krishna sent someone my way to carry my things. Then I saw a bench in the shade, on the side of the path. Why don’t I sit down, I can, no one is forcing me to keep walking, so I sat and sang. A young man approached me: ”you know Lintu? He is my father, he went to see you the other day but you weren’t there, can he come see you today?” He spoke good English, says he has no book knowledge of the language but growing up around ISKCON he learned. Since he needed to know where I lived and since Krishna sent him to me I asked him if he could carry my bag to my room which he did with pleasure and said he would return in ½ hour. I showered quickly and offered the humongous papaya. They came and ate papaya, I also gave them sweet nuts from Canada. They talked to me about their money problems, the main problem is dowry, such a strain on these men to have to come up with a dowry, so much stress, so much worry. They can maintain themselves but to come up with RS 80,000 to give their daughter/sister in marriage, it is very difficult. I said I would find a way to give him a donation when the time comes. I was touched with the son’s dedication to his father, his father's problem is his problem.
They left and I still have ¼ papaya left, it was a HUGE sweet papaya!
August 15th 2010
Today is India’s Independence Day; in this Honor I celebrate my total dependence on Krishna.
I am feeling listless, while my mind has strong bursts of energy towards surrender and prayer, my body is dragging me down. I think I could sleep all day and most of the night. "Please, Krishna help me, I am feeling helpless, useless and powerless. Please pick me up from this world and place me as an atom at your lotus feet."
I picked up some chayawanprash, may be it will boost my energy levels. I also stopped at Uttam’s and had a lassi there, was nice, just smiling, laughing like old friends, then I walked to the temple, was locked out of the office, so I just sat in the temple room chanting. Will get a key made.
August 16th
I had a very nice day.
I offered to share my table with someone passing by this morning in the restaurant and, it turned very nicely for me. We spent a good part of the day together, talking about Krishna. I helped her get in touch with Chinese devotees who will get her books for her husband. In a matter of conversation she revealed that she was not spiritually stimulated by her “local guru” I didn’t know gurus were local. We talked about diksa and the need to take shelter of a person who increases your desire to serve and love Krishna, about the seriousness of initiation.
I crossed path with a neighbour in the afternoon, she said her sink and toilet are not draining and her internet is not working. We laughed and remembered Kunti devi. We have to learn to see life with gratitude. After talking with her a few minutes, she left me celebrating that Krishna was very good to her to only give her such small trouble. How blessed we are to live in Kunti Bhavan, always prompted to remember Kunti devi, her surrender and love for Krishna. It is an impetus to welcome little calamities with grace.
August 17th
Today I went to Krishnanagar FRO.
After 3 hours I got my papers back and ready to go. They are slower than turtle or snail and they are rude. FRO must be agents of the Lord/or Maya speeding up our purification when we arrive in the Dham, it is such an austerity to have to visit them. Luckily I was not alone, there were other devotees there, including a pregnant mataji from Europe we talked about prenatal classes, and she is interested in doing a series. It would be very different here, I wouldn’t need to talk about meds and minimal on testing (this is what I did professionally in Canada).
Funny the way these things come to me. As I returned on my way to the temple, I met the Mayapur Chandradoya Mandir official midwife who is asking me to attend a birth with her. She invited me to come to a prenatal with the couple tomorrow 4 pm. Let’s see where this goes. This might develop as part of my seva to the devotee community, let's see what Krishna has in mind for me.
I got back from Krishnanagar feeling exhausted in spite of the AC car etc.
August 19th
Back to normal schedule, sort of. Woke up early 2:30, chanted a bit before mangal artik.
Today I asked Radha Madhava to keep me engaged in their service, now that they have brought me here. I asked Nrsingha deva to protect me from my false ego and from mayadevi. I also asked him, if He could also do something about my ankle as I would greatly appreciate it; it is becoming a hindrance to my service. I am not sure what is the reason why Krishna is giving me this pain, but I offer it to him. I asked Pancatatva to shine through me and let me show mercy to all I meet. I want Nityananda prabhu’s causeless mercy to shine through me.
Tara, I forgot to talk about Tara, she came yesterday to meet with me and asked if I needed her to work. I can manage but said yes anyway, it will give me someone to get water for me, shopping, someone to check on me if I get sick. She is a housekeeper but mostly she is a devotee, a dhambasi. Her cleaning is incidental in our relationship. It was nice having Tara over, a little talking about depending on Krishna, our provider and protector, talking about asking Radha to give us seva. How too much thinking about money is no good, how my oldest son is worried about me, worried about me wanting to be at Krishna’s mercy, we laughed heartily.
As I was walking home I realized that my feet and ankles felt much worse inside my shoes, even if they are supposed to give me support being a more expensive type of sandal, so I bought some simple sandals – the price wasn’t so “simple” Rs 180. Anyway I want to try this.
Today is ekadasi, no eating for me, just water and I took Chawyanprash, had a coconut water and probably will have another before the day is over.
Every step taken in Mayapur Dham is like 10,000 ashwameda sacrifices. Each painful step, I take for Krishna. May be I can trade in the punya for Bhakti at some point.
August 22nd
After 2 days without internet, doing a little service uplifts my spirits. I walked home, the short cut way as it is hot at this time of the day. I stopped by a neighbour’s and pushed Giridharaj on His swing, it is Jhulan Yatra. Where else in the world do you have the opportunity to swing Giriraj in the hall of your apartment building? I talked for a few minutes about the blessing of forgetfulness, as we both have forgetful minds. Every lila becomes ever new, when we hear it as though we were hearing for the first time; then all of a sudden a flood of remembrance comes over us, as the speaker is telling the story, it is very sweet this way. This morning H.H. Jayapataka Maharaj was reminding us of Gauri Das Pandit’s interaction with Caitanya and Nityananda who were to leave their deity in their place and how they kept switching their forms between that of the deity and their Divine forms, until Gauri das became completely confused as to who is who. These deities are still visited on parikrama. I am happy to have found a way to connect with this mataji, she is a sweet devotee, I am getting to know her.
August 24-25
Today was another adventure at Krishna’s hands. From mangala artik I was in a meeting with MTV Archives in US. From now we will insert direct links for download as well as online watching. It will be much easier for people in India with limited bandwidth. While this was happening, an internet devotee’s mother came to ask me over for prasad. Bengali feast, tons of prasad, love/hate battle. I do have to eat and would prefer to have only dahl, rice and sak but she would be so happy if I accept. This is how Bengalis show love. I can accept her love and try to give some in return. This is very adventurous of me: I don’t know where she lives; it entails climbing in a ricksaw, and eating so many things. Let’s see where Krishna is taking me today. I was hankering for restful day.
I found her house easily, it was nice going down the road in a ricksaw, saw some people who recognized me, waved. As soon as she saw me she put me in this small room with comfortable chairs and a good fan. I sat there by myself, not a bad idea as I had all my rounds to chant and was comfortable. I chanted till they asked me to come out and sit on a chair to eat some prasad, everything was very good, excellent. Jagannath maha and some of her own cooking, I liked both, she is a very good cook. There were a few brahmacaris there as well, only Bengali was spoken. So it was pretty quiet for me. When I finished eating, mataji gently pushed me towards the sink to wash up and then back into “my” room with the chairs and fan. I completed a total of 10 rounds while there, which was very good, very relaxing actually. After some time I thought I should come out and excuse myself. Perfect timing they were coming to get me to show me the door, not in a bad way. They asked me to come again gave me daksine and arranged a ricksaw for me. It was an unfamiliar exchange but fun. next time I visit I will bring a godsister with me, I think I walked home from the front gate.
Now that was only one of the surprises Krishna had in mind for me. I rested a while and then this young couple came to have an unexpected prenatal with me. Prenatal means talking, analyzing feelings and fears, empowering with stories. I had a good time, they did too.
"What an unexpected day my Lord, thank you, I enjoyed the ride."
More next time on a taste of surrender in preparation for Janmastami.
Happily and slowly taking one step at a time towards Radha and Krishna's Love
Your ever servant of the servant.
