WHAT ABOUT LOVE?

I went on Harinam and prasadam distribution by boat on the Ganga. We had 8 vats of kitri , nutritious rice and beans cooked with spices and most importantly devotion to God. We had enough to feed 1600 hungry persons.

This boat is special, it automatically fills every time, a couple of times a week with people of different nations. There were Bengali, Americans, Africans, Canadians, Russians, Chinese, German, South Americans... and as many languages. They all have one thing in common, a desire to share their love for the holy name, their love for God. One language in common, the holy name. Not much talking takes place as we all board automatically, each one knowing their responsibility. The men carry the heavy and very large sound system, ladies carry their smiles, enthusiasm and whatever they can. A couple fortunate ones get to carry the Lords. Gaur Nitai always come on these excursions. They are securely fastened onto a portable carved wood altar. The prasad is miraculously inside the boat when the kirtan party arrives at the ghat.

When we reach our destination, the children are waiting for us. Some are already full, so they say. What is it they are hungry for today, what are they waiting for with such eagerness? Are they waiting for the holy names to inundate their ears and heart? In the matter of minutes mats are rolled out, setting rows where those who want to eat will get their fill.

As the more athletic devotees carry buckets of kitri and go through the rows pouring the prasad onto the leaf plates, others start the chanting. I like to look at the deities while singing. In this spacious outdoor setting, I am thinking: “I wonder how many can see the beautiful Gaur Nitai who have come to give out love of God today.” I look back at the crowd and in fact, I see no one looking at them, they are either staring at their plates or at us who are singing and dancing.

It became obvious that the Lords were offering us the opportunity to be the channel for their causeless love and mercy, Krishna’s love, to flow. I feel many took the opportunity as they chanted with abandon. Some of the men danced with unparalleled vigor and drew in the initially hesitant young men. Soon so many were dancing in ecstasy. Children forming circles and dancing with the devotees, young men trying out new moves as they let the sound vibrations enter their heart.

The journey back was equally blissful as we kept singing the holy name. On occasion we waved at groups on the shores from our brightly lit boat floating in the darkness of a moonless night, brightening the evenings of conditioned souls.

As we completed our chanting the sun was setting over the Ganga.

More next time, as I slowly and happily take one step at a time towards Radha and Krishna's Love.

your ever servant of the servants

POST KARTIK BLUES

Kartik has ended. Where will I find special Maha Harinam?

I have to say I felt a vacuum. I went to evening artik the following day hoping against hope there would be maha harinam and prayed to Pancatatva. I was hankering for a Srivas Thakur’s house for us devotees, a place where we could chant the holy names with no concern for time restrictions, just abandoning ourselves in endless chanting, chanting, chanting... I prayed to be again in association with devotees for extended singing of the holy name, begging for more opportunity to cry out for the Lord’s service.
How can I love you? How can I serve you?

“… Helpful practice for those who aspire to become more absorbed in chanting, and thus more attached to it, is to chant congregationally with mrdangas and kartals. Congregational chanting quickly binds the mind to the holy name, and when the mind is bound to the name, the Lord becomes responsively bound to the devotee’s heart. Chanting with other devotees allows us to experience a special type of joy – a joy that encourages us in our path.” - Nama Rahasya – Sacidanandana Swami

The following day I found my prayers answered, I was invited to take part in a special Harinam down the Ganga, I almost disregarded the invitation thinking I had service that might be more urgent. Going on a boat, climbing in and out, I don’t find that easy. The mind was creating reasons why I would be better to stick to my desk. Remembering my pleading of the previous evening, I chose to see it as Sri Srivas’s answer to my request.

We gathered at Srila Prabhupad’s Gath, and found a seat on a large boat. We chanted peacefully to ourselves while waiting for Gaur Nitai and his chanting party to join us in the boat. It had already been loaded with 8 large, very large, vats of prasadam kitri and stacks of leaf plates.

Speakers, microphones, harmoniums, mrdangas, kartals and many devotees, all in the boat with Gour Nitai in the center. The chanting started, as the boat slowly traveled the Ganga past Navadwip Gath towards the bridge.

As we arrived the sun was setting in the horizon, warming our hearts with its evening glory.

I had to be courageous; normally I am very afraid of heights and not very steady on my feet. As I looked at the plank, narrow plank steeply leading down to the shore, I almost gave up, I almost went to sit down and giveup on the Harinam that was soon to take place. I have to thank the assembled devotees for their help. Gita Nagari prabhu said: “If I can go down, you can go down” as he proceeded very carefully down the plank. It looked even more difficult after seeing him but with devotees willing to help from both sides, and Krishna in my heart guiding me it was very doable. Just as life is precarious, however with the help of Krishna and others, anything can be accomplished. It was almost enjoyable to tip toe down the narrow plank, barely holding on to the hands of steady helpers. I soon was on shore, solid ground.

The chanting was ecstatic. Some of the devotees unrolled long mats, creating rows for locals to sit. Many children, but also mothers and fathers took their seat, as devotees walked  back and forth pouring nutritious prasadam kitri on the leaf plates. We just chanted and danced, chanted and danced, as they ate to their heart’s content. When finished they would get up and others took their place. Eventually many joined us in chanting and dancing, mostly children as they have less inhibitions. The adults were doing the same in their heart as they appeared to be staring at us smiling. They were purposely avoiding too intimate eye contact as their natural shyness would have given way to their heart already softened by the Holy Names. We would have seen them join in the kirtan with abandon of their self imposed control. May be next time.

Two hours of chanting while distributing prasadam, what an ecstatic program. What a taste I got this day. Srivas Thakur had answered my prayer. Where will I find ecstatic kirtan next? Where will He send me next? Today, I write, tomorrow is another day.

More next time, as I slowly and happily take one step at a time towards Radha and Krishna's Love.

your ever servant of the servants

GROWING SPROUTS – MAYAPUR KARTIK

Have you ever grown sprouts? Mung bean sprouts? I have. First you soak the beans overnight and through a careful process of frequent rinsing and the right amount of light gradually they grow. Often you will find a few beans that remain dry, others rot, and yet others are just starting to grow, just showing a tinny stem bursting ever so slowly from the seed, while others are already 2 inches long. These slow beans are sometimes discarded along with the dry and rotten ones. I will never again discard the barely open beans.

While Srila Prabhupada was with us for a brief 10 years +or-, he also grew sprouts, some took off and grew very fast, others never fructified, yet others are just now maturing. None were thrown away. It apparently took Srila Prabhupada 30 years to perfect his chanting, not sure how long it will take any of us. Are we the slow growing sprouts? The fast ones? or yet the ones that rot in spite of watering, most likely due to unforgivable offences.

Kartik is Srimate Radharani’s month, a beautiful month full of opportunities to render devotional service, to grow spiritually. In Mayapur we are so very fortunate to have – I am convinced – the best kirtans. Every night devotees gather in front of Damodar and mother Yasoda, first in a prayerful mood, offering their lamps while singing along to a most melodious Damodarastakam. In the lamp lit temple room, it becomes easier to see so many souls shining as sparks of light, with their offering and moving about from one altar to another. The prayerful mood gradually develops into a frenzy of imploring chants while swaying, clapping, dancing and twirling, as many devotees become blessed with a taste of the Holy Names. Some dance in unison, to the beat, back and forth or sideways, moving their bodies as elegantly as their material covering allows. Others dance on their own letting their soul take the lead or clap or sway while sitting. Pilgrims, residents, young, old, few can escape the Holy Names as they melt the hearts… as it brakes open the outer shell of the hardened bean so the sprout can grow…

These evenings of kirtan reveal the meaning of the first verse of Siksastakam. It provides a daily cleanse of all the activities of the day at the cost of the devotee’s minimal sincerity.

ceto-darpana-marjanam bhava-maha-davagni-nirvapanam

shreyah-kairava-chandrika-vitaranam vidya-vadhu-jivanam

anandambudhi-vardhanam prati-padam purnamritaswadanam

sarvatma-snapanam param vijayate sri-krishna-sankirtanam

Glory to the Sri-Krsna-Sankirtana, which cleanses the heart of all

the dust accumulated for years and extinguishes the fire of conditional life,

of repeated birth and death. This sankirtana movement is the prime

benediction for humanity at large because it spreads the rays of the

benediction moon. It is the life of all transcendental knowledge.

It increases the ocean of transcendental bliss, and it enables

us to fully taste the nectar for which we are always anxious.

Some devotees observe different austerities during that most auspicious month culminating with an increase in austerities for the last 5 days. Those who want to observe an ekadasi diet for the last 5 days are facilitated by the temple.

On the very last day, one of Srila Prabhupada’s most senior disciple – one of those beans who grew instantly – H.H. Jayadvaita Swami, celebrates his birthday with the assembled god-brothers and god-sisters. I was privileged to be able to attend this gathering, I expected very nice prasad but what I did not expect was the exceptional mood and grandeur of the reception.

We were greeted with Maharaj offering his prostrated obeisances one by one, to every one of us. He then directed us to a group of devotees ready to pamper us. On this warm dusty day they sat us down on a chair and while the merciful kartik sun bathe our bodies, devotees washed our feet, dried them and applied sandalwood paste to our foreheads. It was most refreshing and certainly a pleasant surprise. We then were guided a room set up with comfortable chairs wherein we could converse with one another in a enjoyable atmosphere while sipping water or juice. Maharaj also came to thank us for coming. His words were in harmony with his heart.

When most seemed to have arrived, we proceeded to our seats for prasad to be served. There was an endless assortment of the best preparations presented before us, all cooked perfectly Maharaj himself served all of us, not only the first dish but he kept serving and serving as a never-ending variety of delectable prasad adorned our plates, ending with an assortment of authentic milk sweet and a digestive fennel tea. I thought I had witness the best and nothing could be added to the reception but there was yet more personal gestures to come. As we stood up from our seat, devotees came towards us with a basin, water and a towel to assist us in washing our hands. I could see that maharaj was standing by the door close to the mataji who was giving breath freshening spices. Everyone of us was thanked once again for having come and handed an envelope – I was expecting a thank you note, and was most surprised to find a generous gift hidden inside. Maharaj was once again teaching, he had given class in the morning and he now had been teaching us how to greet and receive guests, how to celebrate a birthday.

The last day of Kartik is celebrated at the temple as Rasa Purnima as thousands of pilgrims come for that occasion, sleeping under a tree with their family, in order to spend a couple of days here and take darshan. In front of the altar they find 8 principal gopis dancing with 8 youthful and mischievous looking Krishna's. Many devotees decorate their rooftops and place sweet rice there for Krishna, hoping he will come dance in the moonlight attracted by their offering. It also marks the first deity procession of the year atop the temple elephant.

As I walked around on that day, I also found devotees celebrating Tulsi Salagram Vivaha, in their humble ways. In this picture Subhangi mataji dressed a Tulsi in a sari and place her beloved Salagram by her side.

Life in Mayapur is not ordinary. Kartik was so nice what does Krishna have in store for me now?

More next time, as I slowly and happily take one step at a time towards Radha and Krishna's Love.

your ever servant of the servants

WHAT IS YOUR ADDICTION???

One of the luxuries of living in Mayapur is the availability of different books by our leaders. There are 2 main kinds of books as far as I am concerned. The ones that give you information that may feed your pride and the ones that awaken your soul.

I remember being here around Gaura Purnima time. There were always many book tables full of nectar. I haven't lived in Mayapur in many years and somehow I feel joyfully overwhelmed at all the nectar I have to catch up on, without counting the eternal nectar found in Srila Prabhupada's books that is still available to me.

In the course or co-writing a book on living, dying and grieving as a devotee, I was looking up a quote by H.H. Bhakti Tirtha Swami on grieving, from his book Spiritual Warrior IV. I found myself attracted by a couple chapters further in the book: "Addiction and the process of recovery" and started reading. It led me on a reading journey that I don’t regret as he has touched my soul.

Have you ever read 3 books at a time, not sure which one you wanted to read first? I found myself simultaneously reading Spiritual Warriors IV, Spiritual Warrior V and The Beggar IV. I may have been more puzzled but I only had these 3 with me that day. The following is a meditation from The Beggar II.

"Dear lord, is there really any difference between me and the recovering alcoholic?
In the beginning, the alcoholic spends years in denial of his addiction, feeling that
he is in control and can check his drinking any time he desires. But how do I really differ? You see, I am the one who is in denial - not for years - but for hundreds of lifetimes. I have continually taken shelter of my week constitution, thinking myself to be in utter control. But when it comes to cleaning the garbage that resides in my mind, I remain at a total loss..."

What is your addiction, what is my addiction?

Am I addicted to endlessly trying to enjoy Krishna's opulences as my own?

Do I stubbornly try to find in me His beauty? even the most beautiful will get old.

His renunciation? what a great expression of false ego, setting oneself up as controller of his/her body’s demands.

His knowledge? information without wisdom makes man/woman proud.

His fame, His strength? What futile attempts undertaken by the jiva! These endeavors bring about an illusion of control and supremacy, ultimately only feeding his/her negativity as he/she is doomed to failure.

Am I addicted to seeing this body as the Self? Wanting to keep face as I sink into illusion and delusion? Identification with the body, its hankerings, desires, ways of being is a painful addiction as it can never be satiated. For how many births have I tried to satisfy the mind and false ego? For how many more births will I try?

"Krishna please save me from this illusion
as only You can. Maya is too strong."

The nature of the soul is sat-chit-ananda, eternity, knowledge and bliss. Yes BLISS, no wonder we are looking for pleasure, It is part of our eternal make up or identity to be blissful. Only, we are looking at the wrong places. In trying to enjoy separately from Krishna you can only reach this illusion of enjoyment, the shadow of pleasure which ultimately causes pain.

Śrīmad Bhāgavatam 4.20.5

Those who are in full knowledge of the bodily conception of life, who know
that this body is composed of nescience, desires and activities
resulting from illusion, do not become addicted to the body.

In taking the time to analyze ourselves and others we can see that everyone in this world – safe the liberated souls – suffers from one kind of dependency or another.

It may be that subconsciously we are looking for that ecstasy that is available to the true lovers of God. As only they are aloof, truly transcendental to the calling of sense pleasures including those of the mind.

"Krishna, please let me taste the nectar of pure love so
that my attraction to the pale material energy becomes dissipated."

The author of Spiritual Warriors IV, His Holiness Bhakti Tirtha Swami recommends that the whole world should take advantage of the extraordinary power of programs such as Alcoholic Anonymous Twelve Steps. He says:

“The process is so extraordinary that if people throughout the world would take advantage of these Twelve Steps, it could trigger a global mind shift The program contains many tenets that can allow people to gain a tremendous shift in consciousness and help them accelerate in their understanding of the Self.”

In order to give up something one has to replace it with a higher pleasure.

“…Just never settle for the imitation intoxication of the material dimension.
Instead always hanker to partake of the real sweetness of
spiritual inebriation by embracing the actual altered state
that exists in pure love of God.” (Spiritual Warriors IV – p. 224)

It is natural for the soul to want to feel that bliss, happiness, joy, temporarily felt in an intoxicated state, as this state is also tasted in pure love of God in an unfathomable intensity. We are uselessly looking for bliss in the wrong place. It is in loving God, Krishna that we will find this bliss not in imitating Him or in identifying with a mortal, gross and subtle body.

Today I want to give up my search for material pleasures of the mind and false ego. I want to taste the bliss of loving God.

More next time.

Happily and slowly taking one step at a time towards Radha and Krishna's Love.

your ever servant of the servants

Another Birthday, Another Appearance Day!

Last week was my birthday. This year my birthday was on Citra Sakhi's appearance day. Somehow I felt blessed that this one time my birthday fell on such a nice day. I celebrated a Mayapur birthday.

Because of time difference I spent early morning chatting in turns with my children and husband living in Canada and accepted happily their wishes for my happiness and spiritual pursuits.

On that day, we, Guru-seva and I, had planned to share some maha prasad, feed the cows and go to bathe in Ganga, weather permitting. Bathing in the Ganga is very powerful as it has the power of cleansing your heart from sins.

Somehow Guru-seva arranged for a large amount of bananas for us to distribute. The Goshalla is so big now with elevated platforms for the cows, sheltered from both harsh sun rays and flooding. On one side the mamas, the other side the boys, yet another level, the babies. There is even a "dairy bar" selling lassis, ghee, etc... It is very clean and organized, The cows look happy, so do the cowherd boys.

There were guests visiting the cows when we got there. India still loves their cows. The guests were happy to see that each one of our cows has a name as indicated by the different signs posted here and there. They also were happy to be speaking to us, some English, some Bengali, nice interaction. Srila Prabhupada refers to us as his white elephants. Local people are always impressed to see foreigners take up Krishna consciousness. We were born with so much facility for sense gratification but found no taste in that life style. We had all opportunities, many of us born in wealthy families in opulent settings, yet we chose to follow Srila Prabhupada. This is our preaching.

We fed the oxen. Somehow it felt right, many of them were very young, and it was fun to see them eagerly making their way to get the bananas, lifting their muzzles above each other trying to be the one who would get the fruit. We kept changing position to give an opportunity to others to get a taste. Guru-seva's daughter and grand-daughter also came and were feeding cows and calves as well. We had a good time.

Time was advancing and we wanted to go bathe in the Ganga so we left and made our way to the gath across Bhaktisiddhanta road. There was a boat getting loaded with huge silver jute bundles, harvest of jute must have been difficult this year as there was insufficient rain but somehow they must have managed, the boat was full. We waited a bit while different men finishing their work day came to bathe. Life is so simple, for them, 2 cloths one they wear the other they carry. They change the cloths wash the one they had been wearing and there they go, laundry, bath all done, in a matter of minutes. The Ganga became ours to worship, honor and enjoy, just at the right time, as the sun was preparing to set. As usual we first offer obeisances to mother Ganga, offer her a little water, put water first on our heads and then walk in. We were able to chant gayatri in the water and return home while it was still light, although the sky had become reddish.

There it was, a simple birthday party, a little maha prasad from Radha Madhav and special sweet offered in honor of Citra Sakhi, exchanges with my supportive family, a little welcoming of pilgrims, a little feeding Krishna's cows and cleansing our soul in the Ganga, all in association with wonderful devotees.

I am ready to start another year.

More next time.

Happily and slowly taking one step at a time towards Radha and Krishna's Love.

your ever servant of the servants

Visit to Rajpur

While living in Mayapur, you meet so many people. Some are coming for visits, for prayers, for bringing ashes, for service or a combination of these reasons. If you desire you can find opportunities to join them on different parikramas.

It is the anniversary of Chudamani mataji’s mother’s departure, Siddharupa mataji. She had a special connection to Jagannath of Rajpur. She also was a Nitya Seva donor for that temple (one time donation of Rs 25,000 kept in an endowment fund for eternity to maintain the Lord's worship). Every year, on the anniversary of her donation, she would receive a letter thanking her and sending some Tulsi prasad. All Nitya Seva donors get that but there was something special about this mataji as she would infallibly dream of Jagannath on the eve of receiving this card. She would see Prabhupada leading her towards Jagannath at the crossing of roads, he would show her the way to Him.

As her death drew closer, she often dreamed of Jagannath. Once on Pasankusa Ekadasi, mid October, she dreamed that Jagannath called her over, “Come, come, come take prasad” There were so many clay pots full of prasad everywhere, lots of prasad. Jagannath kept telling her to come, she said it took her a long time to walk to Him, it was far. When she woke up, Chudamani, had arrived in the hospital with some Ekadasi prasad and proceeded to give it to her. "No, no thank you I am full I just ate" she was very exited to share her dream with her grown children who were there. “This was in your dream, you have to eat something for real” said Chudamani. "No, no I am very full. Please get me some water.” Chudamani got maha water for her. She was very thankful, more than is normal in ordinary dealings. How many times had Chudamani given. her partially paralyzed mother, water; it was just normal to bring her water. She drank gratefully, and said loudly: “Hari bol" breathing her last with her arms in the air, celebrating Krishna’s name. Glorious exit.

She passed away a year ago today, we honored her memory and shared prasad amongst the internet devotees, Mayapur.TV and Mayapur.com.

We were late for lunch artik but we sang for the Lord for about 30 minutes before He went to rest (or play) for the afternoon. He was dressed very opulently; His clothes looked like they were made entirely of jewels.

Some of us were lucky to receive garlands from Jagannath Swami, the merciful lord who chose ISKCON as His home from its early days.

Heading back we took a small detour to an area behind the temple where ISKCON owns land. We wanted to see the land. It is currently a thinly planted mango grove. As we walked in between mud houses to get there, we admired the different eatable plants growing, the villagers shared with us their knowledge, yes it is oll, yes this is kochu… they were eager to interact as though we were celebrities walking through their village.

On the way back I pointed to a mud hut I found attractive, It was a workshop where they kept their loom, it had a half completed simple sari stretched on it. We sat there enjoying the peace and tranquility these types of dwellings foster. Just earth, so cool in summer and temperate in winter, it feels like you are close to mother Bhumi, at peace, without destroying nature or environment.

Subhangi mataji who was with us would like to start a project based on the revival of this simple living within ISKCON, sort of a pioneer village a 500 years ago village and team park. Sitting in the shade of this mud room, we sat for a while then headed back.

More next time.

Happily and slowly taking one step at a time towards Radha and Krishna's Love.

your ever servant of the servants

Attractions and repulsions, will I entertain them?

The other day, as we were taking darshan, someone asked about Advaita Acharya’s stance, is he dancing? I had never thought of it before. Next time I was downstairs in the temple room it became so obvious to me that I had to share it with everyone I saw. Sri Advaita Acharya prayed for the coming of the Lord and now as He shows us Nimai Nitai, he is making the gesture: “Here they are, avail yourself of their causeless mercy.” Next to Him stands Nityananda, He is pointing at the feet of Caitanya Mahaprabhu, so is Gadadhara from the other side, and then finally Srivas, praying as we should all do. Jaya Pancatatva!

Chant Hare Krishna and your life will be sublime, I want to shout it on the roof top so everyone can hear, yet I still have this attachment that prevents me from externally expressing this feeling. We are so fortunate, the path has been paved by Sri Pancatatva and our predecessor acharyas. Easy process, one life time process, no more. One life time, not thousands of years of meditation, one life time. It only takes one moment to fully surrender. Make Krishna the center of your life and receive Krishna prema. Do not become a soul-killer, take good care of your self-realization, do not kill your Self. In this way my mind is being trained.

asurya nama te loka

andhena tamasavrtah

tams te pretyabhigacchanti

ye ke catma-hano janah

"The killer of the soul, whoever he may be, must enter into the planets known as the worlds of the faithless, full of darkness and ignorance"

This verse describes the demons as atma-hana, killers of the soul… when one does not cultivate spiritual understanding, when he does not try to free the eternal soul—himself—from the cycle of repeated birth and death, he becomes a killer of the soul. He is killing himself by refusing to accept spiritual instruction about the soul and how it can be liberated from material bondage. (Sri Isopanishad verse 3).

Achieving liberation from birth and death is not difficult, but one must take guidance from a bona fide, self-realized spiritual master who has understood the Absolute Truth. (Srila Prabhupada – B.T.G. 12-07 1977)

My mind wonders, am I killing my Self? Am I a slave to my desires, attractions, repulsions? Are my endeavors to maintain my status, my reputation, my relationships, my finances, my security etc… are they killing my soul? I have to constantly check what is getting in the way of my purification, be ready to re-assess, and pray to Radha Madhava for their compassion on this conditioned soul who without their mercy, is truly helpless.

Sometimes I offer to take devotees prayers to Sri Sri Radha Madhava, sometimes I take prayers also without being asked directly. I also have my own prayers. I say prayers, but most of the time they are wishes, requests. I don’t like to see Radha as a merchant and coming to her with a list but then again what other shelter is there, who else can answer our prayers.

Visvanath Chakravarti Thakur describes the pure devotee lamentation over his glorification efforts thus: “… I was rudely comparing Your dark limbs to the fresh monsoon cloud, the blue lotus and the sapphire. Your beautiful face to the moon, and the tenderness of your feet to newly spouted leaves. Now seeing your real beauty I realize that by my poor intelligence I was clearly offending You. I was trying to compare half a useless mustard seed to the golden mount Meru, a chick pea to a touchstone, a jackal to a lion, or a mosquito to Garuda. Thinking then “I am praising the Lord”….

After reading such a passage I am feeling even more useless with my list of wishes. Yet I still pray to Radha, daily, with hardly any attempts at futile descriptions of her beauty or qualities.

“My dear Sri Radha, this devotee wants success, this devotee wants health, this devotee wants wealth, please be merciful to them.” Then I hear this voice inside my head, “why ask for so little when Radha can give Krishna Prema.” Is this voice inspired by Radha, by Srila Prabhupada or Paramatma, or simply my own mind? I will never know but I welcome the message.

“I truly and only want Krishna Prema, let that be my desire and focus, please remove all other desires, attractions and repulsions; let them all melt away at the sound of the holy name, let me take shelter of these names and remind myself of my true essence and purpose”

More next time.

Happily and slowly taking one step at a time towards Radha and Krishna's Love.

your ever servant of the servants

A Mayapur Birthday Party

A Mayapur Birthday Party

I received a special invitation to a birthday party. The mind (remember adyatmika klesa) rejects such invitations, so much prasad – I prefer to eat simply, I could go home, have time to myself…

However I am in charge of this body and I feel this invitation to break away from routine has been sent by Krishna, so I choose to happily, eagerly, joyfully attend the birthday party. After all, this is special it is Bhakta Vatsalya’s party, not an ordinary party as he is celebrating entering gurukula.

I arrived on time at Radha Madhava’s sewing room where it was to take place. All I see is 2 long rows of men sitting against the walls, chanting Hare Krishna. I like Hare Krishna kirtan and it was really nice to just chant Hare Krishna, just simple Hare Krishna maha manthra. I took a seat and joined in. Gradually more matajis, and the mother arrived, along with the birthday boy and eventually the guests of honor, H.G. Pankajanghri prabhu and H.G. Jananivas prabhu. They normally don’t attend birthday bashes but this is special, all the sewing room workers were attending, it was also a post Janmastami, Radhastami feast.

First we play then we eat. Jananivas prabhu, Pankajanghri prabhu and Bhakta Vatsalya took turns successfully breaking balloons filled with candy, the workers dove to the ground to catch as many as they could as though they were children themselves. Pankajanghri prabhu took a while before breaking his balloon, he made everyone laugh hitting his stick here and there trying to find it in his blind-folded state; at times it looked like he was trying to find bystanders. Of course the self imposed dance, twirling around for disorientation, must not have helped him. The little boy also broke a balloon. There was a lot of laughter, and then prasad, as much or as little as anyone wanted.

After most of us were finished eating, H.G. Jananivas prabhu and Pankajanghri prabhu gave short talks, to me this was the real feast.

Jananivas prabhu took the opportunity to thank Radha Madhava’s sewing team for their selfless efforts and dedication as they stayed up late, night after night, for several days finishing Radhastami dresses. The workers’ devotion reminded him of his readings from Srila Visvanath Cakravarti Thakur. He said that when one attains Krishna prema, Krishna Himself comes to thank the devotees for selfless acts of love for Him, such as staying up late or taking up austerities such as fasting on ekadasi or any endeavors for the Lord undertook during their life. At that time Krishna approaches us in the mood of our eternal svarupa while we are still in the material body. When he said that, I could imagine Krishna embracing or holding hands with each of these workers, with love, thanking them for their endeavors. I was regretting not having been there with them sewing through the night, as I search my memory for times when I may have been blessed with such special opportunity to serve selflessly.

“Radha please always keep me engaged in your loving service, for eternity.”

The following is some of the conversation one can expect at such a time from Visvanath Chakravarti Thakur’s Madhurya Kadambini . The Lord says:

“O My best devotee, many births you have given up wife, house, and wealth to attain Me. For the sake of my service you endured untold miseries such as cold, wind, hunger,
thirst, and pain. Maintaining your life by begging, you tolerated countless insults
and abuses from other men. In return for all your sacrifices, I am unable to give you anything. I have simply become your debtor.

Rulership over the whole earth, lordship over the heavens, and mystic powers
are unsuitable for you. How can I give them to you? No, no. Grass and straw,
the delight of cows, I cannot give to a man. Though I’m unconquerable, today
I’ve certainly been conquered by you. Now I’m taking shelter of the creeper of
your excellent character and gentle conduct.”

And the devotee responds:

“… O great master, You make me shamed by saying from your lotus mouth that you
have become my debtor. Now what do I do?.... Just one day before I was rudely
comparing Your dark limbs to the fresh monsoon cloud, the blue lotus and the sapphire. Your beautiful face to the moon, and the tenderness of your feet to newly spouted
leaves. Now seeing your real beauty I realize that by my poor intelligence I was
clearly offending You. I was trying to compare half a useless mustard seed to the
golden mount Meru, a chick pea to a touchstone, a jackal to a lion, or a mosquito to
Garuda. Thinking then ‘I am praising the Lord’ …
(Madhurya Kadambini – Srila Visvanath Cakravarti Thakur, Eight Nectar Shower)

Imagine the despair of the devotee when Krishna, after revealing Himself and at times the entire Vrndavan Dham, He then leaves again. The devotee in prema bhakti finds His separation unbearable. Any more love for Krishna would be intolerable to the embodied soul. The devotee in such a state does not care for any socially acceptable behavior, his only concern being to be reunited with His Lord.

Back to the birthday party, Pankajanghri prabhu spoke next. He told everyone how for many years Bhakta Vatsalya’s parents had been hoping for a son. They got 2 daughters, 2 beautiful and qualified goddesses. Eventually Kesavi, Bhakta Vatsalya’s mata, prayed to Sri Nrsingha deva. For around 6 months she was performing severe austerities, one vrata after the other. She promised Nrsingha deva to give Him her son as a personal servant following the advice of the pujaris.

She recalls asking me for my blessing to have a son. I told her that her son was already chosen by Krishna not to worry, she should first get her health back before growing this special soul in her womb. The astrologers also recommended she wait for a better time, another 6 months. She then got the blessings of the pujaris before performing garbhodhana samskara.

Pankajanghri prabhu also talked about how this little 9 year old boy was to be trained to be the next Nrsingha deva pujari, he joked “just in time for my retirement”. It is obvious to everyone; this little boy is not ordinary, he is an eternal servant of Bhakta Vatsalya Nrsingha Bhagavan.

It was the best birthday party ever. I sat next to Bhakta Vatsalya who is a most respectful sweet boy. He told me he is eager to learn how to cook at the gurukula. Krishna takes such good care of me always sending me to the right place to find some nectar.

More next time.

Happily and slowly taking one step at a time towards Radha and Krishna's Love.

your ever servant of the servants

Adyatmika - Adibhautika - Adidaivika

September 18^th 2010

Adyatmika - Adibhautika - Adidaivika

As long as we are conditioned in this material body these miseries will follow. Krishna’s body is sat-chit-ananda, eternity, knowledge and bliss, no suffering. At this point we are conditioned souls subjected to material miseries. Krishna kindly reminds us of our current position in hope we will strive for our original identity..

The demigods sent rain, it was required for crops, there has been little rain this monsoon. The roads become very slippery, the weather is too hot, too humid, the conditioned soul suffers. These are blessings from the demigods, adidaivika. In this way we can be reminded that this material world is not our eternal home, we don’t belong here. Our real identity is sat-chit-ananda, just like Krishna’s ,just smaller, very much smaller, one tenth thousand the size of the tip of a hair. This sat-chit-ananda is the norm, not what we are experiencing. Happiness in the material world is compared to a drowning person who manages to catch a single breath, that breath feels like enjoyment, this is material enjoyment.

Other living entities also take part in this ploy to destroy our attachment to this body in spite of its imperfection. On the way to mangal artik, I choose to walk in the grass to avoid the slippery clay covered road. I still think I can enjoy, or at least avoid misery. As I slowly walk on the wet grass, I woke up countless mosquitoes, resting there. It was only after I reached the temple that I realized what had happened. My ankles were covered with itching bites cause by adibhautika (miseries caused by other living entities), again I failed to taste ananda.

At least so far the body, my own body is cooperating, no adyatmika in sight, or is there? I forgot momentarily that my ankles are swollen and that I am somehow growing an infection in a toe and a rash on my neck... Did I already forget the stomach problems I had during Janmastami celebrations? There is no such thing as ananda in this material body. Therefore today, I want to blissfully and ecstatically wish everyone to “Die Well”. We always seem to focus on living a good life, enjoying life. What is the point, we are out-numbered, us against adibhautika, adyatmika, adidaivika, even the atma turns against us with miseries of the body and mind. Even if you were to somehow attain ananda, sat is not part of this world. it is a temporary place.

May you blissfully live, to die well.

I was thinking about someone who has been sick lately, thinking of how to pray to Nrsinhadev for him, I usually leave it up to Nrsingha deva with a prayer saying something like “Please take good care of...” But then I thought that in the future I could ask Nrsingha deva to please always protect him/her from a meaningless, unfortunate, sad death. “May he/she be immersed in Krishna Consciousness at the time of death.” I want that blessing. Somehow to remember who I am eternally and embrace my reunion with my Lord and His consort. May we all die gloriously… Gloriously… GLORIOUSLY, fully immersed in Krishna consciousness, wherever it may be, fully in the presence of our Lord and Master. I pray that Krishna makes the necessary arrangements so that at that crucial moment we see Him face to face, out of His causeless mercy upon desperately trying conditioned souls.

Today would be the birthday of Grahila prabhu who died such a death last March in Mayapur, Krishna made all the arrangements, he was surrounded with devotees reading Krishna lila with him. Jananivas prabhu said in his class that morning that his breathing was hurried at mangal artik as if he had to hurry to take his allotted number of breaths before time came to go herd the cows with Krishna. A calf will be named after him in the morning. The community supported him in his death and now carry on the memory of the devotees as one who died gloriously…

Yes, a brilliant exit is within our reach. Hari Hari Bol!

More next time.

Happily and slowly taking one step at a time towards Radha and Krishna's Love.

your ever servant of the servants

Extra-Ordinary Dhambhasi

September 16^th 2010

Yesterday was Radhastami, the most important day of the year, the day we honor Sri Radha without whom there is no access to Krishna. She is sometimes described as Krishna Himself as she cannot be separated from Him for even in separation He never leaves her mind and heart. Please visit the Mayapur.TV Archives to see all that happened in Mayapur on this most auspicious day; it was truly ecstatic for the thousands of devotees present.

On Radhastami I met a neighbor I had not talked to before. I spoke about ordinary dhambhasis in a previous blog. This servant of Radha is an extraordinary dhambhasi. From the first time I saw her she reminded me of a manjari, a young sakhi, not because of her natural beauty but more her joyful way of being, her inner beauty. Of course I had not been in her living space yet and had not spoken to her, just felt a little of her energy, her way of being.

She asked me if I wanted to see her Prabhupada, “yes of course”. I was expecting a nice Prabhupada deity. She did have a nice Prabhupada deity, one that actually looks like Srila Prabhupada but there was much more than that to be seen. Her room, the room right next to mine was glowing with cheerfulness. First there was Srila Prabhupada’s office , on what is meant to be the built-in desk, in these rooms, it was perfect and complete replica of Srila Prabhupada’s rooms: slippers, kartals, lamp, book, reading glasses, everything.

Behind the door is a cement shelving provided with the rooms, this is where Srila Prabhupada’s bedrooms was. Where a bed for the resident is usually located, Srila Prabhupada has a temple room with small Radha Govinda playing in a forest with wild animals and Nimai Nitai for actual worship. In this way I found out that Srila Prabhupada is my neighbor.

On the balcony resides the servant, that manjari-like vaisnavi. Her clothing, her humble working table… her bed is folded away in the morning and stows away above the kitchen. It is too small to be able to take a good picture, may be 4'X7' , srila Prabhupada's kitchen is attached to his servant's quarters.

You can meet many kinds of dhambhasis in Mayapur. I have Srila Prabhupada as a neighbour on one side with his servant, and Giriraj on the other side, what more could I have expected. I will have to tell about Giriraj another day.

More next time.

Happily and slowly taking one step at a time towards Radha and Krishna's Love.

your ever servant of the servants

Seva in the Dham

I never know what to expect from a day in Mayapur. I have my schedule, my duties, my wishes, desires, anarthas etc but Krishna takes charge. His house, His rules, His mercy.

Every day I ask Sri Radha to engage me in Her service so that little by little my heart can become cleansed and I can make room for true Love of God to grow there. Chanting the maha manthra is merely pleading for seva: Krishna seva, vaisnava seva, "O energy of the Lord please engage me in devotional service".

Hare Krishna

Hare Krishna

Krishna Krishna

Hare Hare

Hare Rama
Hare Rama
Rama Rama
Hare Hare

There is good reason to rejoice when service opportunities manifest. "Radha heard my prayer, and I, most importantly, heard Her answer". I have no doubt that Sri Radha hears my plea, it is my hearing her response that I have to pray for. All glories to devotional service."Dear Srimate Radharani, please engage me in your service so that I may one day learn to love Krishna." A devotee is "empty" without service; it is the most unfortunate thing that can happen. I pray that I may never be without service to the vaisnavas and Krishna.

After praying in this way today, a very dear friend asked me to help her with accessing and transcribing a few select classes. What an enjoyable service this will be: having to relish word by word, from comma to comma, one syllable, one letter at a time, the nectar spoken by the vaisnavas as part of a greater effort to glorify a recently departed pure devotee. I love this life Krishna is giving me, I love being His puppet, letting Him take charge while living in His own abode, this place created by Radha's play, Nava Vrndaban, Nava Dwipa.

I celebrate my growing dependence on Krishna and pray that I may never again be tricked by maya to desire or seek another shelter.

More next time.
Happily and slowly taking one step at a time towards Radha and Krishna's Love

your ever servant of the servants

Ordinary Dhambhasis

After being in Mayapur for just over a month, I ventured to Navadwip. I needed to set up my kitchen, simple things like cooking pots and a stove. I am grateful that the journey provided me with more than shopping as an experience.

As we left, it started pouring, I mean really pouring, torrential cleansing rain, flash flood kind of rain. We had an umbrella but the rain was falling so hard that it was piercing right through the new umbrella. This kind of rain often doesn’t last very long and it didn’t. We started our journey first by rikshaw to the gath, where we would take the ferry across the Ganga.

As I was waiting to board the ferry, I noticed a cleanly dressed ordinary dhambhasi mataji, she was sort of looking at me; we exchanged smiles, pranams and Haribols. She was holding a peculiar small vessel in her hand; it looked like a lime sized butter churn with a small stick coming out of it. As I found myself staring at it, she proceeded towards me and started applying tilak from her “churn” onto my forehead, first 2 perfect lines with the help of her toothpick like stick, then a tulsi leaf with her finger, then token touches of tilak over my clothing on the remaining 12 tilak locations. It is probably the neatest tilak I will ever wear, I was grateful for her service, we exchanged a few words; I left her a donation. It was fun and practical as I wanted to have again the tilak that the rain had washed away.

The Ganga looked murky, probably because of the rain we just had experienced, with floating bunches of greenery, undoubtedly released from the shores. We could have started our shopping right away but choose to go visit a friend of a friend first and to shop on the way back. As we arrived there, he quickly greeted us, showed us a room to sit in and ran back to his cooking. We sat in the “everything” room. A large bed, a table with a variety of old books, somewhat dusty, an altar in one corner of the room. We sat on the bed and talked with each other while our guest kept cooking. On the simple, well worn altar was a picture of Radha Madhava, and a sila. I was fortunate to hear how this sila found His home in Navadwip.

A few years back, as our host and my friend were preparing to go to Vrndaban for pilgrimage, he announced to “his” Radha Madhava on the altar, “I won’t take you with me, I am going to Vrndaban for a few days” He then saw Radha’s eyes turn black, so the next morning , not knowing what to do or say he ventured: “ok, I will bring you”, the eyes returned to their normal colour and Radha Madhava went to Vrndaban. These "ordinary dhambhasis" have such interactions with their Radha Madhava. While in Vrndaban they went on parikrama around Govardhan; at one point feeling tired they sat down and rested, as my friend fell asleep our host found a stone to throw at him to wake him up, he put a stone in his pocket in case he needed to do it again, forgetting momentarily that he was on Govardhan Hill. When he returned, he realized that the stone was still with him and he installed it on his altar. Of course he is not the first person to take a sila from Govardhan Hill but when Krishna doesn't want you to, you can get very sick from doing that.

After he started worship, he realized that eyes were manifested on this Govardhana Sila. I saw the eyes, clear indents, the outline of eyes and brow. This sila found His home away from Vrndaban in an "ordinary" dhambhasi’s house. We ate sumptuously. There was a panic moment when he realized he hadn’t prepared any sweets, he quickly ran to the sweet shop and brought back rasagullas. Somehow regardless of their financial conditions they want to give the very best they can, such gracious hosts. As we were leaving to do our errands, both the host and his son reached for my feet to touch. I feel embarrassed and unworthy but I have been told to accept the gesture on behalf of Srila Prabhupada. So my worthless feet were humbly touched by this widower and his young son, an ordinary family worshipping Radha Madhava and Govardhana SIla in their modest home in Navadwip Dham.

Krishna, today, allowed me to spend time with His dhambhasis, eternal residents of Vaikuntha. Thank you Krishna.

Shopping, the aim of the journey and drudgery was next. I find rikshaws very awkward to get in and out of; they seem a little high for me to step into. As I was tallying my stainless steel purchases, I witnessed an older gentleman struggling with his rikshaw as well. He was uneasily negotiating the getting out of the rikshaw, I empathized but there was nothing I could do. It took a while to do the tally as everything has to be weighted, 12 pieces total, some pots, storage containers, eating dishes, utensils… The old man returned to his rickshaw, I was observant as though I knew he would teach me a trick that would save me the embarrassment of being stuck half way into a risksaw. He carefully gathered his dhoti to a shorter length and set foot just below the main landing step on another step some 6” lower. I never knew this "step" existed. I doubt it was created to help clumsy seniors, as it appears to be part of the vehicle’s suspension, but it was a valuable trick to learn, it makes climbing into a ricksaw a pleasurable experience.


We slowly returned home willingly burdened with material possessions, and joyful to have met nice vaisnavas in the process.

More next time.
Happily and slowly taking one step at a time towards Radha and Krishna's Love

your ever servant of the servants

Srila Prabhupada's Vyas Puja

September 3rd,
Srila Prabhupada Vyasa Puja

What a beautiful day. I love my life. This is what I found myself saying on the way home after the Vyasa Puja Celebrations.

On my way to the temple I met several pilgrims, simply because I greeted them with "Haribol", with raised arms, I received both obeisances and embraces. Even one old widow asked me if her tilak was ok. I like knowing a little Bengali and want to improve my understanding and general communication skills. They are also devotees, many know it, others are here to find out, but we have to reach out to them, welcome them, share our knowledge and realizations to the best of our ability. They come for darshan and association, most leave having taken darshan, some could have more association.


I stayed up in the admin room for most of the celebrations. I was expecting Hari Sauri prabhu to call out my name for reading my offering but he didn’t. When came time for abhiseka, I saw Sitala bathing Prabhupada and though maybe I should go down and see if I could also. I saw a literal ocean of devotees sitting tightly in front of Srila Prabhupada’s Asana all the way to the end of the Pancatatva temple room on all sides. Srila Prabhupada was perched atop a lotus flower, The lotus was in the center of a pond about 4 feet above the ground with bridges leading up to him. Around the pond were flowers and plants on a platform made to look like a cow dung floor, there were 3 sets of precarious steps leading up to Srila Prabhupada’s cow dung look-alike landing. It was on that platform, the outer circle around Srila Prabhupada that the abhiseka of little Prabhupada was going on.

How to cross over the ocean of devotees absorbed in the nectarean abhiseka? I observed from the corner, perched on the steps leading up to the Pancatatva extension, and felt content, as second generation seniors were starting to bathe Srila Prabhupada. Suddenly I see Hari Sauri prabhu cutting a path towards me, parting the sea so that I could come and bathe Srila Prabhupada. I felt so welcome, so appreciated, it was such a warm feeling, even thinking about it makes my heart weep. He also parted all the brahmacharis and others who were waiting in line for their turn and put me in front of all. As I look at the uneven steps, with no railings, I wonder: "You can do it; be a “soldier”", this is what my son Abhai would say to me if he were here, all the while extending a hand to help me. Then a devotee I never saw before asked if I needed help and gave me his hand to stabilize my going up the steps. This is all I needed just a little stabilizing; it was so kind of this stranger devotee to offer.

Krishna takes such good care of me, at every little step. One step toward Him and He arranges everything in such a perfect way. I am most fortunate. I do love my life.

I went back upstairs to the admin, and did a bit more chatting. During pushpanjali, since lowers were limited and so many devotees were there, I stayed upstairs, watched Srila Prabhupada getting dressed by Jananivas prabhu (our cameras are very well located and Ekatma prabhu knows how to find the special angles, that others cannot see). I offered pushpanjali as well, in my mind and on the net. I offered handfuls of bakula flowers, so small, fragile and gentle yet so fragrant. It was the very best I could find.


Time to feast. Yes I will try to feast. My stomach has been bothering me for a couple of days but today I feel better, I will eat Srila Prabhupada’s feast. Off to the Gada building.

Special door for Srila Prabhupada disciples! I tip-toed so very carefully on the wet marble, making my way to the front of the line where I was meant to sit. As I was about to sit on the ground in a row, I get called to go further up front, next to H.H. Jayapataka Maharaj, at a table. H.G. Vidvan Gauranga prabhu and Rama devi were heading up this courteous gesture, it made eating much more enjoyable, exchanging light conversation with Rama devi and enjoying a beautiful Bengali feast, rice, dahl, paneer subji, chutney, sweet rice…. There was sukta and many other things but not wanting to overdo after almost 3 days of fasting, I kept it sort of simple, simply enjoyable.

I returned for the evening program, I wanted to read my offering but needed just that little bit of encouragement, like someone calling my name; Hari Sauri prabhu did. I spoke after Pankajanghri prabhu. Hari Sauri prabhu gave me such an introduction, it was almost embarrassing. He made me sound like a ISKCON heroin, joining at 16, preaching in school, running away from home, starting what is now the International School, spending more time in Mayapur, while in Canada, then he did himself and currently working for Mayapur TV full time, etc …. I prayed to be able to read my offering with some humility and that it would inspire others to love and serve Srila Prabhupada by sharing with them my offering.

nama om vishnu-padaya krishna-preshthaya bhu-tale

srimate bhaktivedanta-svamin iti namine

namas te saraswate deve gaura-vani-pracarine

nirvishesha-shunyavadi-pashchatya-desha-tarine

"All glories to you Srila Prabhupada"

These are the only words I ever spoke to you, in person. Again and again I offer my obeisances to you with all humility at my command and occasional tears in my eyes.

"All glories to you Srila Prabhupada."

On this vyasa puja day I want to make an attempt at thanking you and once again offer you my life. I want to thank you for the association you gave me. For the preachers, the GBC's, the sannyasis, the scholars, the temple presidents, the book distributors, the pujaris... all the devotees who keep on going, sometimes making mistakes, but nevertheless ready to correct themselves and keep on serving you, just like a child learning to walk keeps on trying until success.

From the beginning of my spiritual life, you taught me to accept them as your representatives. The first time I tried writing you a letter - a letter that was to remain an eternal draft as it never seemed good enough to send - I received guidance from your representatives, and I still hear through my seniors.

Thank you for your greatness, you purity, your strength, and for letting it shine through your sincere followers. I gave you my life with all my heart in 1972. Once again and with a life's time experience instead of childhood behind me, I want to offer you my life, please mold it according to your will, let your wisdom and love shine through me so that I can help with your mission.

I plead with our Lord to give me the qualifications I lack to be of use to you and your movement. I seek your blessings to be able to sincerely attempt to repay an inexhaustible debt to you and all the previous acharyas.

More next time.
Happily and slowly taking one step at a time towards Radha and Krishna's Love


your ever servant of the servants

Janmastami

I thought yesterday was a Surrender Day, today I feel sicker, more rest, more fasting.


I managed to be at the temple from early till after noon artik but could only be half present. I usually enjoy watching Krishna receive his samskaras as the devotees take Krishna through all of them systematically, from jata karma to diksha.


This year was special as they also did a play of the same, simultaneously. It was a bit hard to follow as the sound was a little confusing, so many things at once, kirtan, manthras, play.... All wa meant for Krishna's pleasure. Krishna doesn't get confused easily. I am certain he enjoyed the offerings: kirtan, manthras, yajna, play, all of it.


I spent the rest of the day at home resting, chanting. It is hard to accept sleep as your service when there is so much you could be doing.


I managed to take darshan at midnight artik by the mercy of a neighbour who also shared some boiled potatoes and some magic pills to help me get my body back in shape. Her internet connection was not very good but by refreshing, I was able to see Choto Madhava and Radha Madhava Asta Sakhi. We had no success viewing the abhiseka which I am sure was amazing, there were some 285 devotees online watching! ...I was not one of them this time.


Happy Birthday Krishna.

Today I am not well but tomorrow is another day, I will write more then.
Happily and slowly taking one step at a time towards Radha and Krishna's Love


your ever servant of the servants

Surrender - Mind - Chapahatti

September 1st

I read a definition for surrender today. It helps me understand surrender in smaller increments until I am able to follow in the footsteps of Draupadi or Kunti devi.

SURRENDER - Master the lessons of your present circumstances. We do not move forward by resisting what is undesirable in our life today. We move forward, we grow, we change by acceptance, Avoidance is not the key, surrender is.

Today I am sick, nausea, diarrhea, so I will fast, drink water, lots of water and hopefully flush out what is not wanted in my body. I am not sure what caused it as I haven’t done anything unusual except for honoring a small amount of very rich maha prasad. I have not been very regular with my meals, this may be the external cause, my purification hopefully being the true reason.

As I lie down giving my body a chance to heal itself, I listen to Srila Prabhupada (Srila Prabhupada, BG 2.13 – 1965-66) and drink water.

“Disturbance of mind is due to ignorance, unnatural condition”, opposite of dhira undisturbed. Mind in material condition is always disturbed. Being spirit by nature, it is no wonder we get disturbed in this foreign environment. Srila Prabhupada explains how this material world is unfamiliar to us, we belong to the spiritual world. Srila Prabhupada remembers being worried when having to figure out how to proceed to get a bus to Butler, when arriving in New York. Ignorance is a cause of disturbance of the mind.

Today my surrender is to rest. I will not resist my sick stomach, I feel weak. I will hear Prabhupada, chant japa, hear kirtan… these activities are natural to the soul they should relieve my disturbed mind/body. If I feel stronger later in the day, I will seek live association. I am thanking Krishna for this change of pace, it is His mercy, just for me.

Later, a neighbor came to visit. I had decorated my altar with chamkak flowers so we got talking about Jayadeva Goswami and golden champaks that Champakalata used to pick for Krishna in a grove near his place. Champak and golden champak are not the same but the mind can travel from one topic to the next without much notice. I remembered how Jayadeva Goswami in that very place, Champahatti, Champakalata’s champa grove, wrote Gita Govinda. One day a verse came to Jayadeva’s mind. In his writing, Radha had been very angry at Krishna, probably not without reason as Krishna likes to stimulate that love/anger mood. But now He was caught in His game as Radha would not get out of that mood, no matter how much Krishna pleaded. He had tried everything, so this verse came to Jayadeva’s mind indicating that Krishna bowed touching Radha’s lotus feet with His head, in apology. Jayadeva could not write that sloka, thinking he might be committing an offense by even thinking it, so since it was soon lunch time, he told his wife he would go bathe in the nearby Ganga and take his lunch upon his return.

Jayadeva’s wife, Padmavati, saw her husband return, saw him write, and gave him his lunch. Then he left again. Soon after, she saw him returning once again and he asked for lunch. “I just fed you lunch, you want to eat again? You ate, wrote a verse and left and now you want to eat again.” Jayadeva went to look at his manuscript and saw that the verse he had been thinking of had been written "dehi padapallava-mudaram" . He could understand that Krishna himself had come to visit his wife in his absence, and wrote the verse Himself. He fell in complete ecstasy, shared his discovery with Padmavati and both of them practically lost external consciousness being absorbed in full Krishna consciousness.

I get a lot of stories mixed up - hopefully I got this one right. It would be wonderful if I could somehow walk on Parikrama with the devotees this year. So many stories half remembered in my head. May be Mayapur TV will go on Parikrama with a magic backpack and allow all the internet devotees to come along, I would love to go on Parikrama, not sure my body can follow my mind . Sometimes all I can remember is a feeling about a place, how it made me feel to hear the stories.

More next time on more surrender and Janmastami.
Happily and slowly taking one step at a time towards Radha and Krishna's Love

Your ever servant of the servant.