Vyasa Puja

 Srila Prabhupada chanted
on my japa beads in June 1972.

  I didn't always live in Mayapur.

Once I was a teen, bewildered as to
the meaning of life,
the purpose of it all.
It was then that I came in touch with
Srila Prabhupada.

On his Vyasa Puja day, I reflect on
these memories
and how my life progressed since.
The following is my offering to
Srila Prabhupada on this day.

 

All glories to you, Srila Prabhupada!

nama om vishnu-padaya 

krishna-preshthaya bhu-tale 

shrimate bhaktivedanta- 

svamin iti namine 

namas te sarasvate deve 

gaura-vani-pracharine 

nirvishesha-shunyavadi- 

pashcatya-desha-tarine 

jogyatā-vicāre, kichu nāhi pāi, tomāra karuṇā-sāra 

“Your mercy is all that I am made of…” 

karuṇā nā hoile, kāndiyā kāndiyā, prāṇa nā rākhibo āra 

“If you are not merciful unto me, I can only weep, 

and I will not be able to maintain my life.” 

In this way, Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakur sings. I will not pretend to understand love on the level of Srila Bhaktivinode Thakur’s. However, today, the meaning of his words has reached a new depth in my heart.

As I look at my life, it has been touched by your mercy at every turn, right from my youth. When finding no meaning to life, I would have just as well invited death, you rescued me with knowledge and gave my life a purpose. Then over the years, whenever I got comfortable in this illusory world, forgetting, loosing focus, de-prioritizing my beliefs, my convictions, you reminded me and drew me closer. You repeatedly sent me guides to remind me of the purpose of this life. Again and again, you invited me to take part in your mission, in some insignificant way. Today, I seek your blessings to be able to do my part by becoming a true representative, a true lover of God. 

Your mercy is inherent to my life, as I know it. Your mercy IS, all that I am made of. Yet, here I am trying to offer something to you, like a child spending the parents’ money on a gift for them, or the offering of Ganga water to Ganga mata. I have nothing to present, nothing to give, nothing but this life, which justly already belongs to you.

You are always there guiding me, from a distance. Vani is always the way of association for me, books, lectures, and messengers: representatives, husband, children, seniors, juniors, friends, strangers, other Gaudhya vaisnavas, whomever you chose to remind me of your teachings at any particular moment.

I can offer you thanks, but even if I were to offer thanks incessantly for the rest of my life, even if I had a thousand mouths to do it with, it would not change the debt I have with you. I thank you and give you my life repeatedly, please engage me in your service, grant me the intelligence to be useful.

My dearmost Srila Prabhupada, as I go through life, mechanically engaging in attempts at devotional service, mechanically following your basic instructions, while internally following my own whim, I find myself ridden with envy for my god-brothers and god-sisters, and even nieces and nephews, who seem to have such spontaneous love for you. Allow me to find a way to serve them in spite of my all-encompassing and tenacious pride, which persists at polluting all my attempts. I hanker for the guru bhakti they cherish in their heart. Where is that love for guru that reveals eternal love for Radha Krishna? Where is my guru bhakti? The feeling evades me. Let me serve you unconditionally without regards for self, with spontaneous affection.

Today everyone is offering praise to you and I stand in awe at your immensely magnanimous compassion and dare to beg for yet one more drop of mercy: Please bless me with this elusive love for guru. Let my steel framed heart become unlocked, free to learn to serve the vaisnavas and their Masters eternally.

Please once again bestow your mercy upon me.

karuṇā nā hoile

kāndiyā kāndiyā

(prāṇa nā rākhibo āra)

Anything of any consequence, of any value in my life is due to your compassion on this minute entity. Therefore, my life is yours. I beg you to consider utilizing it in your service and glance favorably on your rebellious and unqualified servant.

Your eternally indebted daughter

One step at a time, walking towards Radha Krishna's service and love,

your servant,  

gopi-bhartuh pada-kamalayor dasa-dasanu-dasah