I lay in bed fighting an infection, nothing severe but the mind wanders. I had this before in Canada, let’s see how it unfolds here in the Dham.
I pray for the blessings of Caitanya Mahaprabhu who still dances in ecstasy daily in the field beside my room with his Harinam party after leaving Srivas's house, or walks as a child to Jagadisa and Hyranya's house just across the Jalangi looking for Visnu maha prasad rice on ekadasi. I bow before this most merciful Lord and His associates, who have allowed this soul their shelter.
These thoughts come to mind.
This body whom I have serve for so many years, is an impostor, a traitor.
Everyday of my life I serve this body. being convinced it is the self. In exchange for promises of happiness I serve this body. It is constantly competing for my attention. If by Krishna's causeless mercy, I meet with a moment of sanity wherein I engage in true Krishna smaranam, it quickly calls me to attention.
“I am tired, I am hungry,
I am uncomfortable,
I need to do something, blah blah blah....”
I am uncomfortable,
I need to do something, blah blah blah....”
Time has come that I should know better than to identify with it. Who is this body parading as the self? Identifying with this body, mind and intelligence must be the hardest disease to fight. Only by Krishna’s mercy is there any hope of recovery.
Feeding it, resting it, cleansing it, clothing it, lodging it, taking it out on walks, listening to the wanderings of the mind, satisfying the intellect with trivial speculations and unnecessary understandings. Too much service is being rendered already from the so called master to its vehicle. How has the vehicle become the master? Did "I" allow this? Did "I" engineer this parody?
Now that I am getting older, it is claiming more attention. Maybe a doctor will assuage the suffering I am undergoing. May be a friend will listen to my wining complaints in hope of lessening my awareness of the pain. Not being satisfied with my service, it now seeks to employ others. It is a last effort, desperate effort to get more attention in this life than I am able to provide alone.
When will it surrender to being a medium, only a vehicle for me to render service. When will I teach it its position, instead of identifying with it? It never gets enough attention. It is pursuing Krishna’s position, the center, the cynosure of all eyes. I am servant, eternal servant, never God. This ego is false, temporary, sick. I am not this body. Aham brahmasmi, Sat Chit Ananda, one tenth thousands the size of a tip of a hair and full of eternity knowledge and bliss. Not full of pus, blood, mucus trying to be god…
This body is an embarrassment?... Really?
After tricking me into believing it was my private kingdom to reign over and enjoy, will I now have to submit to endless poking and prodding by teams of professionals exploring areas of this vehicle I vaguely knew existed. Even this embarrassment I am feeling is certainly due to identification... just as I thought I was beginning to see clearly. I still have far more work to do.
I pray for the day when this false, temporary, sick ego leaves me alone, alone with my eternal Friends, serving not it, an illusory sense of self but serving Radha and Krishna selflessly, with no attention to discomforts associated with the mind or an ill, awkward and aging body.
Dear Nrsingha deva I need your protection from my worst enemy.
He resides in and around me.
I am surrounded by this false, sick ego.
Let me find freedom from its demands and entanglement at your lotus feet.
Allow me to shed this covering interfering with my closeness to Your divine service.
Birth, disease, old age, and death may they bring me to the right destination, free from this seemingly eternal cycle. I pray to learn my lesson(s) in this life.
Back home in this life?
Today is one year since my God-brother Grahila left us to go back to Krishna. Hours before his departure in talking to a God-brother he said: "I am sorry that you have to stay and suffer, soon I will be there." It was with great anticipation for his eternal destination that he gave up eating and drinking, gave up maintaining a broken vehicle and finally departed on Papamochani ekadasi. All glories to Grahila prabhu.
Everyone who was there, felt from the core of their heart that he, an ordinary (!) faithful disciple, lover of Srila Prabhupada, achieved his goal, Krishna's eternal service and company.
Krishna let me accept the discomforts associated with this body
as a means of purification, bringing me closer to eternal service to Your devotees.
as a means of purification, bringing me closer to eternal service to Your devotees.
Battle is over, I raise the white flag. I raise both arms in prayer \0/.
In this moment, I surrender, as YOU wish.
I thank You for this opportunity to seek Your shelter in this most holy dham, wherein I now, and now again, welcome this purification. I pray for clarity of consciousness so that I may always welcome purification.
One step at a time, walking towards Radha Krishna's service and love,
Your servant.
